Sick of hospitals. Today I had another visit to see health care professionals, because of an eye injury suffered yesterday at practice grappling with one of our big guys(i.e. over 250lbs). Prognosis: scratched cornea...should be better in a few days...have pain meds, numbing drops, and antibiotic drops...Hurts like hell...Which brings me to my topic...
Why do I do this? In fact, why do any of us who practice the gentle art do this?
Some people go an entire lifetime without finding something to do that they love. I've been blessed(or in some cases cursed) to have found two. (Music, and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu)
Problem is, with the drive that I have and my purpose that I feel would fulfill me, it's caused a lot of pain and frustration.
At whatever level, all I wish, is to be the best in the world at something I love doing. THAT is my aim. It is what drives me in addition to wanting to be someone that others look at and are inspired by. Problem with that, is it is something that in any field, is a very daunting task at best, and damn near impossible as a general rule.
That being said, what else keeps the drive and love for the activity alive? What makes it ok that it drives people close to you(family, friends, colleagues, ..hell even enemies) to hate what you do because they feel they don't "measure up" to your feelings for your passion? (not realizing that a passion for an activity and your feelings for people are two different things) Knowing that your aim may never be attained, what keeps the drive burning to the point you push through serious injury and pain, through many losses in every day life, through all sorts of set backs? Honestly I don't know.
Was posed a question by someone I approached to sponsor me for my competitions...They asked...Why should I want to sponsor you?
Honestly I had no idea. Seems me chasing after my dreams of being a Black Belt, and some day being the bet in the world at this has neglected my every day life, family and friends, and in a lot of cases myself. Most of the injuries I have, while they may be healed in time, will and already do cause me problems going forward. In addition I have to deal with the complications of the medications and things I have to pay attention to because of my sickness from before even though i am in remission. I realized the reason I hate my job, event hough, all in all it isn't bad at all, is that I really want to do BJJ full time. Teaching and competing.
No matter the joy I get from training people and seeing them succeed, or learning and advancing in my own BJJ travels, the disgust I am the target of because of it, the stress and drama I get from people in my life, and just in everyday tasks because of my pursuits in the gentle art, are starting to tip the scales away from it. Politics and bullshit have a habit of making things very un-enjoyable, as do people who do not value nor care for what u do, have a habit of doing the same.
I dunno. I'm rambling...but hell...it's my damn blog ain't it?
As for training. I am going as hard as I can, just in case a miracle occurs and I can go to Mundials. As of now, the Brazil trip is totally off, and Mundials is about 95% off. I still hope to be able to go, and medal there, but it's not looking too good. Money ain't right, and my mind and heart really ain't in it because of all the bullshit and issues from people swirling around me about now.
On top of it all, it seems my practices aren't at my top level. I am giving the effort, but a combination of my arm issues (still here ...they returned a while back when I tweaked my neck, though I do get relief when I visit
Dr. Zuber), a foot injury, and little nagging aches and pains. I think it's more than that though, I am really worried about how I will live up to my past performances now that I have advanced a rank, and kind of depressed knowing the competitions I really was shooting for, I won't make. I need to find the peace I found in BJJ before. In class I find myself thinking of the issues people have with me, and my problems in life instead of it being the refuge it used to be. Perhaps that was why I chased it so hard. hmmm. Funny how writing things out can make u see some things...Well, if the goal of being #1 is gone, the competitions are gone, the injuries are mounting and I don't have peace on the mats because of life being so stressful...I have to figure out another reason to push forward, or lose it. Then, what would I have left? For now, I fight on.