The mind is willing....

but the body is jacked up...
Weighing 205.4 right now...
Not weak by any stretch but it seems a pervasive theme throughout my life(work, interpersonal relationships, money, music etc) has been akin to that idiom. It was hammered home tonight in practice along with something Marcus always teases me about. (He says I'm too nice.)
Well thing is, it seems no matter how hard I try to make changes and do things that people ask of me, which pull me in 360 directions at once, I just don't seem to have it in me to get it accomplished.
As for class tonight, I am well into my harsh phase of training, and did some really hard kettlebell and plyometric work before class and I think i pissed off the tendons/muscles/nerves that cause my arm issues, and for some reason i have a really bad knot in my neck:(...Anyways, i get to class and during drills it's getting a tad worse but not horrible...I get in a good roll working on some things I needed to tighten up, then rolled with Coach Allen...Gave up a couple knee to knee takedowns but worked my game pretty well and learned some things that I've been working on actually work at a high level...After this my cardio condition was great, but my damned arms were gone and my neck was killing me. Anyways, I get asked to roll by one of the good guys in class ( a high purple), seemingly in hopes he could work against me to prove himself ready for the next level to coach...long story short, my passes require me to use my hands, so I was reduced to leaning to keep my weight down, but it made my forward progress very slow...I ended upsetting a triangle, in which he ducked his head and sat to try pulling out, but i had his arm bent and worked on the elbow...pulling it towards me at an odd angle...I knew that I could tap him with it, but as he was trying to prove a point, he wasn't trying to tap, and if I pulled to get him t submit, I'd have to break it. Funny thing is, I don't think he realizes it, but the only reason I let go was because of the angle and I didn't know if I could handle it in my conscience if I broke it or seriously injured it. From that time on, though he couldn't pass and I couldn't impose my will other than to shoot submissions at him, knowing my arms were dead so I didn't know if I could finish anything....
Anyway, this sucks ass. Being ineffective due to someone being better, or out working me etc I can take, as I can work to improve it, but this, It bothers me to no end because I can't just make it go away. As for life, seems that people aren't the same as they were when it comes to me...Seemingly because of my inability to be what they wish me to be...This goes across the board, and the bad thing is, it is beginning to encroach upon training which the gym used to be my last refuge for peace of mind. Since I got my belt, since I thought I had things somewhat calm in my personal life and work, since I first entertained the thought of getting back to the music, it seems nothing sits right with other folks about me and politics and bullshit creep in everywhere. Never really noticed how just a tad bit of issues within the gym, when coupled with stuff happening in life outside would turn the refuge I had in rolling into a chore...I need to get rid of something as going to train was the only thing I had that kept me sane. And now, feeling like I won't be able to do the competitions I had my heart set on keeps eating at me as well...Money has graduated from Chris Rock to Richard Pryor...Honestly don't think I will make it to Mundials because of it, and definitely won't make Masters/Seniors Worlds in Brazil. Not too good at asking for sponsors, though I thought it wouldn't be this hard. All this work with no outlet other than class :(... I fight on though...Just hoping I can get body and soul to move at the same pace and time.