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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Rolling Downhill...

Weight: 200.2

In Jiu-Jitsu, life lessons can be learned, if you just pay attention and apply them.
Talking to my coach about what the things are the I need to work on that differentiate where I am from where I am currently to where I wish to be.(Faixa Preta)...He said that tiny tiny mistakes, are all that are there to fix and I am there...The problem with tiny mistakes is that they are so tiny and imperceptible even when looking for them, that they are the hardest to eliminate. The problem is though, that at this level you realize, that tiny tiny errors, turn into really huge horrendous errors. Same goes for life.
Rolling with Marcus in training a little while back, the tiniest of errors in my style/set-ups/movement, turned into the worst errors...Like a big snowball, once I made a small mistake or did not work a set-up properly, that was it. Rolling with him made me feel like a white belt at times as I got a lot of my game from him and he would shut things down before I even thought of moving to do them at times...That said, I learned a LOT from that session...I did have bright spots that I am happy about, as I worked a couple of things as far as reversals/defenses that I can feel confident in now, but really the smashing I took in that session of just over an hour has given me enough information that I could probably carry on for a year and not cover...
That said, once back in class setting, I could see how I was more conscious (on an unconscious level) of making sure I wasn't starting the avalanche of error by performing techniques and positioning correct from the jump. I have a lot to work on, but I am going through these areas and cleaning up shop...In the coming months (IF I get to compete as it looks as if I am missing Pan Ams, Brasileiros, etc because I honestly can not afford it and have no monetary sponsorship) , I must be much more wary of these things as they can be capitalized on by opponents at the level I wish to attain. Like when I don't position myself correctly once I've passed, I can not attack but must work to prevent being swept and then work from a dangerous position..Or when I do not execute correct positioning or handling of a submission or sweep, I end up expsing a foot or leg to a submission attempt that is difficult to stop...Or when not controlling the hands to my feet I allow my legs to be controlled for the pass and can end up really in a world of hurt...These things need to be eliminated by being early in proper technique as well as having a mindset, that I CAN achieve the proper position/movement/submission/etc...that energy, that attitude is important as well...
This theory of snowballing works in every day life. Today started off very bad, as far as transferred energy, and slowly is working it's way downhill. Honestly, this was allowed to start, because instead of working to make certain of fixing an issue from all angles, I merely believed it would be handled, and allowed it to come back to be bigger than it should have been. That works it's way downhill, bigger and harder to stop than if I had not allowed the imperfection in the first place...
Anyways, that all stops. Everyone gives these diatribes about how the new year will be great etc etc, and I am no different. I won't do that anymore, but I will just bury myself in the art, both literally, and figuratively and eliminate tiny imperfections...In that way, I fight on...

Thought For The Day: “Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother." - Khalil Gibran

Monday, December 15, 2008

Success Equation

Weight: 202.0

Have a lot going on...Trying to heal right and that seems to be coming along well...But life's lil screenplay keeps throwing plot twists day by day...That said, this picked me up, as I was feeling a bit down at not having mastered a few techniques/principles I'd scheduled myself to have done by now, and the looming probability that some of if not most of the tournaments I plan to make to proceed down my path I don't think I will be able to dispute. Anyways, I hope this give you, in your travels through the gentle art, whatever your chosen path may be, or just life in general, the same glimmer of hope it gave me...

God Bless you and thank you for the time you give out of your day to follow what I write.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

How You Gon' Walk With No Feet? ... Old And Breaking Up.

Got To Get Back At It Soon

To Win Here Next Year... A Quest
They Can Rebuild Him... Have To Do This Again Soon :(

The Scene Of The Crime

Weight: 200.2

As in the last post and the one before it, I'd come to the decisions about where I wanted to go, and knew the things I needed to do in Jiu-Jitsu as far as training, and was to set about doing so. I read an interview with Romulo Barral, after he'd done so well at the 2007 Mundials, where he was asked what the difference was that allowed him to make such an improvement....He said, when he started thinking, acting and training as a champion, as a professional, he started getting the results he wanted. He was always pretty good, but to get where he wanted, he had to train as those who won at the highest levels did. I realized, I was not doing this. I was not methodical enough, not persistent enough, and I did not have enough focus.
Well, I made my plan, laid out the parts of my game which needed to be worked (Top side submissions and control, decisive actions, half guard sweeps, take downs, de la riva counters, and guard passing in no particular order). I decided among other things, to work very hard in rolling as I had not worked as hard as I should have before...Also, I made a decision to increase my drilling before classes...This past Monday I go to work at training, and work drilling my passes before class...I worked my variations on the knee through pass to either side, and I need to work a lot harder on my control and positioning once the knee goes through...It's coming but I am not driving my weight through my opponent...Also need to make certain of my hand placement to prevent the opponent from getting to their side once the pass is almost finished....Anyways we move on to training and coach showed some attacks from side control as well as the flower sweep from guard...That was one of my favorite so when people asked me questions and I had to answer that was ok, but when working the side control techniques it was a bit hard to take as I need the work...Well, we then had a talk about the team's performance at this past NAGA...I wasn't able to compete:(...Anyways...We took 1st in No-Gi and were very close second in GI, had I been able to compete I think I could have helped us to win...But afterward we had a student get blue belted, which is always a great time for the gym (Note: this past Wed. we had a student purple belted), as coach doesn't promote very often...Anyways...time to roll...
Well there weren't too many people who wanted to roll so I sat and did positional and movement drills the first round...about halfway through I get asked to roll and got a chance to work on a different kneebar set up and worked my positioning in side control (I got a compliment as he exclaimed that my base was really heavy and solid) and though I moved my positioning , I kept very good control even when transitioning and isolating limbs...I could stand to improve still on my decisiveness though...I pulled off my submissions(about 4 or 5 I think in a few minutes) but I want to make them a bit more crisp...Well after that I grabbed anyone I could get to and rolled ...I even got to roll with coach which was a good workout, as I worked a lot of different setups I wished to try, and had a few moments of success moving to highguard and attempting some choke set ups and sweep entries....Had a few people I rolled with afterward and started to get tired a bit...I made a pact with myself that I will roll 10 to 30 more minutes after I am really tired no matter what happens...To increase my stamina, as well as to increase my efficiency under duress...So I grabbed one of our very good guys...a VERY strong guy who is great at wrestling, he hasn't been training that long but picks up everything very quickly and already has a Pan Am gold at Blue and more than a few advanced absolute victories at tournaments under his belt...Well we roll and I kept myself from working closed guard as well as working any triangle or related armbar setups...It was REALLY hard not to do as I could see them from every angle but I made myself work to prevent his head control and to work from open guard preventing his passing as he has a really good top side pressure game, and that would allow me to gain confidence in my open guard...I have a pretty good open guard, but, for some reason I abandon it, or do not use it effectively at tournaments...I need to put it into play as I can use it very effectively...Anyway, The work is going well, as even though I am tired, and not using my A game, I am not passed, and even when I allow him half way past to recover I can easily...Well, the thing with not playing my game fully with someone so good and aggressive, is that the mistakes I make wiht techniques I am developing can be capitalized on...I was working for a new kneebar set up which I can transition into a sweep and or taking the back as well as to an armbar (though I didn't allow myself this one) ...The problem is, I was telegraphing it, and did not keep my left foot inside as it should have been...he pounces on it and turns away from me...I, thinking that he is trying a kneebar of his own(I feel his hand on the side of my foot, and heel), do the kneebar defense where I figure four my legs and bring my heel to my butt....Wrong move as I do not realize since I cannot see his hands, he is after a toe hold but really has either side of my foot and is wrenching it to try to finish...i think I am fine s when he rolls and puts his force into it, I still feel I am OK until I hear a couple really distinct pops over the din in the room...I then feel an intense pain in my knee, and ankle...Why me?
Well, he stopped as soon as he heard it, and everyone crowds around, and it starts hurting even worse...Once, I finally get calmed down and sat for a minute, I realize i have to get to the hospital to have it checked...I decide to go to the Towne Center Emergency room community place near my house instead of risking sitting in an emergency room of a hospital all night...Coach says he will take my daughter and meet me as I can drive with my right foot so they help me to my truck I get in and drive as that place closes at 10 and it is 945...I do feel heartened that my cardio felt like I could continue rolling for another hour if need be, but I digress...I get to the place at 957 and think immediately, this is a bad frickin idea!....I have no help to the door! lol...So I hop in...Worried that I might accidentally hit the foot as it even hurt when I drove over bumps in the road...I make it in hopping, and see a lady looking through the frosted glass door to the back and wait like 2 minutes standing at the reception desk on one foot...This chick comes to the window and says "can i help you?"...I say well I've been hurt training and I need to see the doctor...She asks me for my insurance card...I don't realize that since I had not changed out of my GI pants I didn't have it with me...So she gives me this look like...go get it....NOW I'm pissed even more than when the chick was staring in the back like I couldn't see her silhouette...But I am in pain and need attention so I hop BACK to my truck, and hop back in with the card...I wait again for her to come to the window...Mind you, there are NO cars outside so they ain't seeing anyone...She comes, I give the card to her, she says: "oh we don't take that insurance, best I can tell you is go to the hospital down the road" Now...this BITCH...and yes I typed it...if I had two good legs would have had me jump across the desk and choke the dog piss outta her but as I am hurting, I just say fuck it and hop out...(Note: This place takes cash, so the insurance was a non-issue...I have no idea why the chick did it, maybe she wanted to go home since it was close to 10...whatever the reason, she didn't even try to offer any aid...If she is a nurse, that;s her ass as I WILL report her.)...I call coach and they r right close and tell them I am going to the hospital...I decide on the Baylor hospital instead of medical center of Las Colinas as that one is always full...I pull up to the emergency room, and EVERYTHING is dark..I see no one, even the security cart is just sitting there vacant...I say screw it and decide SOMEBODY gonna help my doggone foot and park right at the door, and hop out...well this lady comes out and helps me in...turns out the glass i so tinted it seems there is no one inside the emergency admitting room...Well, I get examined, and x-rayed (the woman grabs my damned foot and truns it every whicha way like it don't hurt...if it wasn't so painful and she had been in arms reach ...she'd have got it...) and it seems I have a strained MCL, and some ligament damage, one of which seems to be torn....I am supposed to get a boot and see a doctor..BUT, in a hospital...they have no they give me a generic ankle brace and some crutches and tell me come back ....I get the boot the next day, and dont get to see my regular doctor as when I take off at lunch to get checked out, i get there, and after about 30 min of waiting get told the doctor ain't there! WTF? Well I keep the boot on and work the crutches this week and got to finally see the doctor today(Saturday)...well it seems where the attachments are on either side of my ankle/foot I have some places where the bone is chipped from having been stressed in the injury..There are some floating chips but the little micro fractures are there...:( ...The ligament they thought was torn completely isn't ...Just a bit...and the knee seems to be better...The prognosis is 6weeks to total recovery and I have another week in this boot...The places where the bone/tendon separations are is VERY painful, but everything else is feeling ok...We will see how it reacts when I take the boot off in a week and start doing things again...I will have to try to train and not hurt it somehow...
Reason being is that a sponsor came through with a plane ticket for Portugal...So European Championships are a go...Hopefully Alliance can win this tournament and I can contribute to that...i just don't know how much training I can get in....And I STILL need some sponsors/donations for hotel/entry fees/etc if at all possible, but the main part is handled...That said, I'm bout broke as the ten commandments, and as I write this I am high as giraffe ass on Lortab...Even so, focused is what I am...I will persevere(I'm the bioniq man dammit...ain't i?)...I just started this road...I will prune my tree...I will endure...I have to...This is what God gave me to do...Even though it seems obstacles keep getting laid there to stop me, my personal life seems to conspire to keep me from being mentally in the game, and the wear and tear on my body start to get a hold of me and weigh on me...I fight on...

Thought For The Day: "Do not let the body be dragged along by mind nor the mind be dragged along by the body." - Miyamoto Musashi

By the way, you may have noticed the little video screen at the top of this page...In addition to adding videos from my tournament and training, as I usually do, NOW, (once I get a replacement phone which works correctly from Sprint in a few days) I will be able to add LIVE broadcast from anywhere I am...That's right, LIVE streaming video from my camera phone no matter WHERE I AM!!! I will announce times and places and if u are watching the page at those times you will see and hear me live...Don't worry though, if you miss it, those video streams will be archived so you can pull them up later...Just hoping that can give a little more to the blog by showing competition, training, doctor visits, before and after trip activities, etc etc...So stay tuned...Peace...

Monday, December 8, 2008

The Quest For "Beauty"...Refocus

Weight: 199.0

So what is beautiful BJJ?
(Guidelines Based on Thomas Aquinas' definition of Beauty...Taken From Crosschoke's Blog)
  • Proportion: the parts of the system are no bigger then necessary and nothing is missing
  • Clarity: no unnecessary complexity
  • Integrity: the solution is well-suited to the problem

To me, this means, that the game must be complete. Instinctive reactions to any, even unknown, situation must come naturally. The aim of finishing an opponent efficiently, quickly, and completely should be achieved. No extra flair nor luster is needed when things are done correctly. To eliminate all space, to apply so much pressure, that in the end, when you are executing the submission perfectly, your opponent gives it to you because they are so uncomfortable mentally and physically, is what I see as beauty in jiu-jitsu.
Based on this, I have much to strive for. In my goals listed in the previous post on my blog, I listed the places I wish to go to pursue my elevation in the art and things I would like to do to progress. That said, it almost immediately became apparent, upon scrutiny of my current life situation, funding (lack of it), and issues with planning related to funding; that right off the bat, I will miss most of, if not all of the major tournaments in the first part of the year (including ADCC trials, European Championships, and Pan American Games) at least, and all of them through the end of the summer of 2009 at worst. Rather than agonize over how to find sponsors, worrying about how to exchange priorities in food and shelter for opportunities to compete, I had to ease my mind and let go. Refocus. The gentle art has always done this for me in one way or another, and once again, it came through. One of my goals is to have black belt level jiu-jitsu in this year. Not to receive the belt, though that is a main aim of mine at whatever time it happens. But the goal I wish, is to have jiu-jitsu that is "beautiful". To the learned eye, I wish my game to be complete, whole, efficient, and instinctive. I've often thought of, and mentioned to a few, that after a conversation with Xande Ribeiro about what jiu-jitsu was, and what was the aim, that I wanted to have "beautiful" jiu-jitsu. Not many , if any of that few truely understood what I said, because I could not verbalize it. Reading the post on Crosschoke's blog gacve me that epiphany though. I am greatful for it. Even when my soul is in turmoil...Even when my body is broken...Even when I feel lost and alone...On the mat, in the moment, I am at peace...Tonight, I start working on polishing the ugliness that is my game properly. I rededicate myself to this aim. The tournaments will come and go, no matter how major I find them to be at the moment, and when they are gone, the jiu-jitsu is there. I will keep those goals up and those I do not get to dispute, will serve as a monument to that which cannot be controlled, and deflected, then turned to aid me in progression nonetheless. Had my preparations in life been better, they would not be in question. My aim now, is to build my game, to a point that I have nothing that I "should have fixed". Everything else outside care for my daughter, work, and jiu-jitsu has to support one of those aims or it is gone. that will be my biggest goal of the year. If I can do that much, then I will achieve much more than I ever thought possible, even if there is no one there to see it.
Top-side resumes work tonight. Passing takes precedence, but the top side transitions and control will have attention. Sweeps come after that. Hopefully tonight, no matter whom I roll with, I will gain the pass, not only effectively, but efficiently, purposefully, and most of all beautifully. To let go of all I must let go of, internally, and externally to make my concentration complete will be extremely hard. But for my betterment as a jiu-jitsu artist, in the years I have to be able to still fully physically bring to bear my knowledge, it must be done. It may not be for me, to dispute those championships, and thus, the position I am in, but I am sure this art is for, in my quest to make my jiu-jitsu "beautiful"...I fight on...

Thought For The Day: "Jiu-Jitsu constitutes the natural defense the weak person disposes of against the strong person. It is a sort of leveling process through which brute force, confronted and dominated by the wise application of rational mechanics, is led to admitting that the human being, usually taken as a body endowed with a soul, should actually be deemed a soul that happens to reside in a body" Grand Master Carlos Gracie (1902-1994)

Friday, December 5, 2008

My Kingdom For A Sponsor....Goals And Thangz


Gotta Go Again

THIS Is Where You Win
The Gym

This Is The Beginning

Weight: 203.2

Well...Here we are...The end of the year is coming...Almost feeling a tad bit rejuvenated as training seems to be really productive when I've been there...Had a minute there a month or two ago where I was really feeling like I was going to fall apart physically and mentally...Things are still hard, but at least forward movement is being felt...Have had some good developments in my top game which I have worked on very hard...Have a few passes that are natural and I am able to move between fluidly now, and my control is a lot better....I am working very hard to make my top submissions as natural as my bottom ones are...Also, in teaching my classes, my students are making some really good strides(even though they don't see it most times), as well as I. I feel like my understanding of the philosophy of techniques and the adjustment to fit different people and situations has moved up a notch...I hope to be able to gain a better insight into not only helping students to improve but to make it where they can actually see the improvement as that is one of the biggest sources of frustration in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
Anyways....I came up with a new goals list...One of the huge parts of this is always the tournament scene...As it stood, when it was time to come up with the means to get to these competitions, it was out of pocket. This is said not to leave out the contributions from a few really great and wonderful friends and family as without them I would not have had even a chance to attempt any of the things I've done this year. I am really blessed to have them...This year, because of how things have been going lately, and how they seem to be going now, I do know that I really won't be able to make many if any of the tournaments on my list...And I also know being blessed with such generous friends is a great thing, but with things as they are in the world today, that won't be something to be relied upon as it was by the grace of God, and often at the last possible moment that they were there to help... Most of these trips are really big ones, and even though I do a great job at keeping costs down, they are always very expensive due to the distance, time, needing child (and now dog) care when I am gone, etc....SO, that in mind, if ANYONE who reads this, knows of any company, person, or entity, who would be benevolent enough to wish to support the travels and journeys his year on my path to a beginning(faixa preta), PLEASE let them know to contact me through here or I may come up with something a little more formal. I have the ability to have custom made patches made for whoever does so placed on my GI and apparel, and would be willing to do any appearances, private lessons, seminars, etc etc in return (open to other suggestions as well) for helping me to continue my dream...I could really use the help....That said, here is a list of my Goals/Etc for 2009...

  • --Help My Daughter Improve Her Game And Place 1st in a Tournament
  • --Open My own Brazilian Jiu-jitsu School
  • --Have Black Belt Level Jiu-Jitsu by end of the summer
  • --Coach one of my students to a 1st place medal in a Tournament
  • --Have a student worthy of being Blue Belted by end of the year
  • --Get Walking Around Weight To 210 With No More Than 5% Body Fat
  • --Train 6 Days Per Week
  • --Have No Major Injuries
  • --Win A Judo Tournament
  • --Increase My Wrestling Skill
  • --I would Like to Win my Weight Division And/Or Absolute At Each Of These Tournaments
Jan.10/11(West)&Jan.16/17(East) --ADCC North American No-Gi Trials - Long Beach, CA.
Jan.30-Feb.1 --European Championships - Lisbon, Portugal
Feb. 27 --ADCC PRO GI Trials - Melbourne, Florida
Mar.27-Mar.29 --Pan American Games - Carson, CA.
Apr.18 --New York Internatonal Open - New York City, NY
May9,10,16,&17 --Brazilian Nationals - Rio, Brazil
Jun.4-Jun.7 --Mundials (World) Championships - Long Beach, CA.
Jul.24-Jul.26 --International Masters & Seniors World Championships - Rio, Brazil
Jul.24-Jul.26 --Rio International Open Jiu-Jitsu Championships
Mid-Sept. --American National GI and No-Gi Championships - Carson, CA.
Oct.3&Oct.4 --Pan American No-Gi Championships - New York City, NY.
Late-Oct. --U.S. Open Championships - Santa Cruz, CA.
Nov.8 --World No-Gi Championships, Carson, CA.
Late-Nov. --Asian Championships - Tokyo, Japan
This doesn't take into account the NAGA tournaments here in Dallas, Battle of H-Town and major tournaments in Houston, Louisiana Open/etc in LA., and perhaps the Copa Alliance tournament in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Also, at SOME point, I would like to go and train in Brazil for a few weeks.

As you can see, this is a pretty ambitious schedule to try to keep. I think that I can get my performance up to par, and definitely feel confident in my chances, IF, I can make it to these. This art has given me my life back. In many ways, I was really lost without it. Reaching my black belt(in skill level), to truly be able to start my journey, and be able to give to others even half of what I have been blessed with would really be something to be proud of. All that said, life and the reality of finance etc are already rearing their head. If I don't work something out in the next couple weeks at the most, then the January trips are going to be off. :( We will see how it goes...

Anyways, got a few good piece of things to say...

First, my boy Marcus "The Wrecking Ball" Hicks is going tobe fighting Razor Rob McCullough in January...Can't for Marcus to whup him so he can get another crack at the title! It's his, he just gotta Go Gettem!!!...

Coach Allen received the Instructor Of The Year Award from NAGA....This is a great accomplishment for the school and for Coach...shows that a lot of great work is being put in at the gym, and shows his work to be as good as we all know it is who train under him...

My boy Kelly Rundle got mentioned in a nice article in Gladiator Magazine (The one with Robbie Lawler on the cover) for his accomplishments at NAGA as did Coach Allen get a mention as well...

I was mentioned in Gracie Magazine (#141 - December 2008) ...On page 20, I have the WHOLE FREAKIN PAGE! Two pictures and an article!!! It comes from this year's U.S. Open....Funny thing is, I was just sitting and talking to people, and had no idea anyone I talked to was going to do something like that...Anyway, Coach Allen called me tonight and told me so I rushed over and got a copy from him...Thinking it was a joke...But no..there it was!...So if you read Gracie Magazine, please pick up a copy and check out ya boy!!!!!

Anyways, Back to training, as I have to prepare like I will be going to these tournaments in January...The ADCC Trials will be one of the biggest in terms of implications of winning I've been in, and I need a lot of work to close up some of my No-Gi sticking points such as tightening up some submissions and making my guard passing a lot more close, powerful and efficient...But we will see how things go...I feel like achieving these things, can allow me to take the next step in my progression in the gentle art, and give me a body of work and knowledge sufficient to validate where I am now, and show me I can get where I want to be...I really want to make this 2009 the year I prove that I am worthy of my rank...So...I Fight On.....

Thought For The Day: "Forget about winning and losing; forget about pride and pain. Let your opponent graze your skin and you smash into his flesh; let him smash into your flesh and you fracture his bones; let him fracture your bones and you take his life. Do not be concerned with escaping safely - lay your life before him."Bruce Lee

Monday, December 1, 2008

Are You Experienced...Is It Me?

SeeqPod - Playable Search

His Time Cometh

Go Gettem!

They Made Me Bring Him Out

Once More Into The Breach

Back In The Day

Weight: 200.2

Just popping in to add a tad bit of an update on some things that have been bugging me. Well one big thing is I need to up my workload in an intelligent manner if I am to get my passing game correct. To do this, I need more work against people my size and ability level. I have to go above and beyond what I have been doing and be a bit more aggressive and focused in training. Lately, I've been scattered a bit when training trying to help others with their problems and also just kind of not following strictly enough the process necessary to improve on one thing at a time. Not sure what I need to do, but I have found that I have a few favorite passes (Knee up the middle, double under-hook to crush pass, and my half-guard option passes...The bullfighter pass is one I can do well but I prefer others) These will get priority, especially the knee up...
I also have to get more decisive and authoritative with my submissions specifically, but with everything in general. The difference I see from brown to black is to act decisively and achieve what you are acting on efficiently...I have not been doing so for a few reasons. One, as Marcus has said to me before as has Coach Allen, is that I am too nice. Bad intentions have to be had in order to make certain my aims are met. Often times, submissions or passes or positions I could get, I allow to pass and transition so as not to cause discomfort or punish my partner. This happens even as I roll with people whom I should not show such feeling to due to their level or intent. I must beat this out of me. Not sure how I will do it but, I will. This brings me to a situation I had rolling with a very new student who is strong as an Ox. Basically his level of strength afforded him the opportunity of just holding onto my arms or whatever he could in attempt to survive which caused a lot of problems as his strength was greater than mine to the point at several times I had to move and cause his grip to release in order to continue transitioning. My positioning and movement was dominant but I did not pull the trigger on several submissions (they presented themselves left and right as I used his grabbing and holding against him) so as not to discourage him by submitting him over and over. I attempted to do this by positional dominance and pressure so as to allow him to know he was being worked over but not have him feel it was hopeless...Bad mistake. The problem is, knowing that he needs to be taught by submitting him as often as possible does help to work against strength greater than mine, but it just feels wrong to do to someone so new. I gotta get rid of that feeling too.
anyways, brings me to something Coach Allen said which bothers me to this day. One day while riding he asked me why I didn't do many privates. He asked if I was just trying not to as he never really saw me doing any, and the other assistant instructors have plenty it seems. Now I have one guy who does get some, and another one or two who will every now and again but I help out with their technique anytime anyway as I do with the first guy I mentioned, but really, I haven't even been approached by many if anyone for privates. I've had one situation where I was asked about privates, quoted a price, and then had the guy go to someone else without ever telling me why, then coming back to ask about techniques often (That shit will stop.). I have alos had one guy ask and say he wanted some, but never said a thing about it again, and found out he was having some with another assistant instructor. That said, when in class, I am bombarded with questions. I stop what I am doing as I feel as an assistant instructor, it is my job to do so, and I help as much as I can. Even without being asked, I tell people what they should and shouldn't do, as it pains me to see things not done correctly if I can help. That said, through all I have done, been through, taught in class, and achieved, it kind of validates the feelings I have had of not being worthy of my belt. If people do not see me as someone with valuable skills enough to wish to pay for (i.e. they choose not to do so with me but with other people), then how can I hope to attract people to a school to learn from me? How can I feel like I am where I should be, if after all I've done to date it doesn't seem to matter where it counts? All I have done in tournaments etc, and it seems it is felt by my fellow students, that I am not enough to warrant helping to get ready for their own tournament forays. I hope that I have done nothing to offend anyone, or acted in a way that makes people shy away from wishing to have me train them for privates. I will have to make certain that I continue to progress and improve in my performance better than I have been doing so I will show myself worthy. Anyways, that all said, there are a very few who I will continue to give tips to if they wish it, and I will continue to teach the class on Sundays, but outside that, my role as an assistant instructor/coach will be as limited as Coach Allen will allow. I have lots to focus on, and have to make certain I am progressing and going forward as I already have enough problems in every day life holding me back, so this needs to be let go. Funny, this all comes on the heels of me having a semi-epiphany that I would just go for it and work on getting into my own school before my birthday (preferably in Late Jan. or Early Feb.). Guess I need to re-think that....Anyways, I have a lot I need to work through. I guess putting it here is therapy....I fight on...

Thought For The Day: If you can accept losing, you can not win.

Something To Cheer You Up:
(It Definitely Does Cheer Me Up)