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Tuesday, April 29, 2008


Who Doesn't Love Cute Puppy Pictures?
Had 2 Balance Out 2Day's Post

Gotta Keep Praying

Weight 205.4

Everything hurts. Arm problems back. Scratched cornea killing me more than I care to let on. Low back locking up again. Headaches back. Had a pain episode last night. Emotionally a wreck. Not dealing and playing with others well is what would be written on my note sent home from school i fI was back Not able to apply things I am learning in class as I was before. I worry that my teaching is not effective enough for the students. In a lot of situations I've gone back to muscling moves, when I'd worked so hard to become smooth in my motions. The mindset I'd worked so hard with, from Marcus, it seems I can't find it. It's almost like I hit another plateau. I know that a lot of it comes from the stress in my every day life, but it seems to also be from the aggravation of all these injuries accumulating as well as the realization I think I am going to miss not only the Masters/Seniors Worlds in Brazil, but also Mundials and most likely U.S. Open and the GQ U.S. Championships as well due to lack of $.
I'd gotten used to hearing from friend and stranger alike, how it should just be accepted and I should move on and not let it get me down. (Same friends and strangers who thought it'd be so easy to find sponsorship. Couple of those friends also resent Jiu-Jitsu for the way I pursue it.) I'd almost come to grips with changing my line of thinking that I need to get in as much as I can now, b/c due to my history, my family history and just the general fragile nature of life, that has to be the way to pursue things so as not to leave here with regrets. Then I had a really good friend, whom I've known for some time, tell me they were possibly very sick (though I do believe it will turn out to be nothing serious), and I got word from my best friend, that a mutual friend(though I was not that close to him), age 34 or 35 had several heart attacks on this past Saturday and is due tomorrow or Thursday to have triple bypass surgery. (PLEASE PRAY FOR HIM AND HIS FAMILY!) That got me back thinking about me, my situation, and what to do.
As I said b4, I found something I love to do once again when I thought that I would never do so after music. The goals I've set, if I don't work harder, and do the type training required and get the right mindset needed to at least have a chance of reaching them, I will never see. I have no idea what to do about the $ and sponsorship thing. but I do feel like, if I miss these this year, I honestly don't know if next year, I will even be in position to attempt to reach where I'd like to be, even if the funds are right.
I've sacrificed a lot. Used to at least find solace in rolling, and peace on the mats. Even that's gone for the worries in life off the mats, and worry about how to do better on them. I wish I could shut everything out. Eliminate everything troubling me and just make this last run at things before I am relegated to just doing it solely as a hobby if my body and mind allow me to do so at all. Hell I wish I could just shut all the stress and stressful people and thoughts out and just go away from it all. I dunno what else to do so I fight on. Just with no direction anymore.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Why Do It?

U Should Pray B4 All Serious Undertakings


Blood, Sweat, Tears, Finding Fortitude And Learning From Loss


Weight 207.2

Sick of hospitals. Today I had another visit to see health care professionals, because of an eye injury suffered yesterday at practice grappling with one of our big guys(i.e. over 250lbs). Prognosis: scratched cornea...should be better in a few days...have pain meds, numbing drops, and antibiotic drops...Hurts like hell...Which brings me to my topic...
Why do I do this? In fact, why do any of us who practice the gentle art do this?
Some people go an entire lifetime without finding something to do that they love. I've been blessed(or in some cases cursed) to have found two. (Music, and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu)
Problem is, with the drive that I have and my purpose that I feel would fulfill me, it's caused a lot of pain and frustration.
At whatever level, all I wish, is to be the best in the world at something I love doing. THAT is my aim. It is what drives me in addition to wanting to be someone that others look at and are inspired by. Problem with that, is it is something that in any field, is a very daunting task at best, and damn near impossible as a general rule.
That being said, what else keeps the drive and love for the activity alive? What makes it ok that it drives people close to you(family, friends, colleagues, ..hell even enemies) to hate what you do because they feel they don't "measure up" to your feelings for your passion? (not realizing that a passion for an activity and your feelings for people are two different things) Knowing that your aim may never be attained, what keeps the drive burning to the point you push through serious injury and pain, through many losses in every day life, through all sorts of set backs? Honestly I don't know.
Was posed a question by someone I approached to sponsor me for my competitions...They asked...Why should I want to sponsor you?
Honestly I had no idea. Seems me chasing after my dreams of being a Black Belt, and some day being the bet in the world at this has neglected my every day life, family and friends, and in a lot of cases myself. Most of the injuries I have, while they may be healed in time, will and already do cause me problems going forward. In addition I have to deal with the complications of the medications and things I have to pay attention to because of my sickness from before even though i am in remission. I realized the reason I hate my job, event hough, all in all it isn't bad at all, is that I really want to do BJJ full time. Teaching and competing.
No matter the joy I get from training people and seeing them succeed, or learning and advancing in my own BJJ travels, the disgust I am the target of because of it, the stress and drama I get from people in my life, and just in everyday tasks because of my pursuits in the gentle art, are starting to tip the scales away from it. Politics and bullshit have a habit of making things very un-enjoyable, as do people who do not value nor care for what u do, have a habit of doing the same.
I dunno. I'm rambling...but's my damn blog ain't it?
As for training. I am going as hard as I can, just in case a miracle occurs and I can go to Mundials. As of now, the Brazil trip is totally off, and Mundials is about 95% off. I still hope to be able to go, and medal there, but it's not looking too good. Money ain't right, and my mind and heart really ain't in it because of all the bullshit and issues from people swirling around me about now.
On top of it all, it seems my practices aren't at my top level. I am giving the effort, but a combination of my arm issues (still here ...they returned a while back when I tweaked my neck, though I do get relief when I visit
Dr. Zuber), a foot injury, and little nagging aches and pains. I think it's more than that though, I am really worried about how I will live up to my past performances now that I have advanced a rank, and kind of depressed knowing the competitions I really was shooting for, I won't make. I need to find the peace I found in BJJ before. In class I find myself thinking of the issues people have with me, and my problems in life instead of it being the refuge it used to be. Perhaps that was why I chased it so hard. hmmm. Funny how writing things out can make u see some things...Well, if the goal of being #1 is gone, the competitions are gone, the injuries are mounting and I don't have peace on the mats because of life being so stressful...I have to figure out another reason to push forward, or lose it. Then, what would I have left? For now, I fight on.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The mind is willing....

but the body is jacked up...
Weighing 205.4 right now...
Not weak by any stretch but it seems a pervasive theme throughout my life(work, interpersonal relationships, money, music etc) has been akin to that idiom. It was hammered home tonight in practice along with something Marcus always teases me about. (He says I'm too nice.)
Well thing is, it seems no matter how hard I try to make changes and do things that people ask of me, which pull me in 360 directions at once, I just don't seem to have it in me to get it accomplished.
As for class tonight, I am well into my harsh phase of training, and did some really hard kettlebell and plyometric work before class and I think i pissed off the tendons/muscles/nerves that cause my arm issues, and for some reason i have a really bad knot in my neck:(...Anyways, i get to class and during drills it's getting a tad worse but not horrible...I get in a good roll working on some things I needed to tighten up, then rolled with Coach Allen...Gave up a couple knee to knee takedowns but worked my game pretty well and learned some things that I've been working on actually work at a high level...After this my cardio condition was great, but my damned arms were gone and my neck was killing me. Anyways, I get asked to roll by one of the good guys in class ( a high purple), seemingly in hopes he could work against me to prove himself ready for the next level to coach...long story short, my passes require me to use my hands, so I was reduced to leaning to keep my weight down, but it made my forward progress very slow...I ended upsetting a triangle, in which he ducked his head and sat to try pulling out, but i had his arm bent and worked on the elbow...pulling it towards me at an odd angle...I knew that I could tap him with it, but as he was trying to prove a point, he wasn't trying to tap, and if I pulled to get him t submit, I'd have to break it. Funny thing is, I don't think he realizes it, but the only reason I let go was because of the angle and I didn't know if I could handle it in my conscience if I broke it or seriously injured it. From that time on, though he couldn't pass and I couldn't impose my will other than to shoot submissions at him, knowing my arms were dead so I didn't know if I could finish anything....
Anyway, this sucks ass. Being ineffective due to someone being better, or out working me etc I can take, as I can work to improve it, but this, It bothers me to no end because I can't just make it go away. As for life, seems that people aren't the same as they were when it comes to me...Seemingly because of my inability to be what they wish me to be...This goes across the board, and the bad thing is, it is beginning to encroach upon training which the gym used to be my last refuge for peace of mind. Since I got my belt, since I thought I had things somewhat calm in my personal life and work, since I first entertained the thought of getting back to the music, it seems nothing sits right with other folks about me and politics and bullshit creep in everywhere. Never really noticed how just a tad bit of issues within the gym, when coupled with stuff happening in life outside would turn the refuge I had in rolling into a chore...I need to get rid of something as going to train was the only thing I had that kept me sane. And now, feeling like I won't be able to do the competitions I had my heart set on keeps eating at me as well...Money has graduated from Chris Rock to Richard Pryor...Honestly don't think I will make it to Mundials because of it, and definitely won't make Masters/Seniors Worlds in Brazil. Not too good at asking for sponsors, though I thought it wouldn't be this hard. All this work with no outlet other than class :(... I fight on though...Just hoping I can get body and soul to move at the same pace and time.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


2008 Pan Am Super-Heavyweight - Purple - Champion
Photo By Alicia of

Gold Medal Match Pictures
Photos By Alicia of

Possible Album Cover For New Album
Check Some Of My Old Music Down At The Bottom Of the Page

Well I am about 202 this morning, and it's kind of frustrating b/c I am so close to dropping under 200 but no matter what I do I can't seem to get to that 210 plateau and know I need to put that muscle on to be a bit more competitive at Super-Heavyweight.

Anyways...Yesterday, went to see another D.C. (Mark Zuber, D.C. @ Plano Physical Medicine & Rehab ...972.733.0915) about my arm and neck issues...The diagnosis he made was about my scalene(sp?) muscles and he did some ART on the area in addition to my tendinitis in my elbows...I felt the little adhesions popping and immediately got some more range of motion...Also, he showed me some exercises to do when my hands/forearms start to cramp...funny thing is, every time I've ever gotten a massage in the past several months, the areas I try to get folks to work on, are the areas that I need taken care of and had they done so for long enough, then perhaps some of my issues wouldn't be so bad...Well..
I get to class last night, and almost form the first time I started to roll, I noticed the difference...Even this typing right now, would have caused me pain and I normally would have had to take two breaks by now to rest my arms/hands...But last night, no matter the amount of grip I used, I did not get the same issues as I had before until way later in the night...MAN....I am damned happy...With a few more treatments, I am hopeful this part of my problems will go away...I damn sure will need it at Mundials....(IF I even get to go that is...)

Practice last night was really fulfilling for some reason as I actually picked up some things that will be very useful and was able to understand and apply them in my own way immediately...Also, some reversals and things I've been working on, worked very well...Needing to work with some folks better than me to make certain but I am confident...Thing is, lots of folks ask me questions now, and I feel pressure to make certain I adapt my answers to each person so as not to give them incorrect information, nor do I provide them with issues and tiny imperfections that will trouble them...I will do my best though.

As for Mundials...seems I will have to compete at Super-Heavy as the alliance team already has last year's champion at Heavy and bronze medalist at Heavy competing...that being said, I am not sure if I will get to be entered into the Absolute...On top of all that, money is seriously Chris Rock-ish about now (i.e. My money is funny...For you ebonically challenged folks out there!)...I honestly don't think I can actually go to Mundials, and definitely I am not able to make Intl. Masters/Seniors in Brazil as I'd hoped...I don't know what to do, but I do know, I am really tired of scraping things together and fretting/worrying till the last minute and being in a deep hole when I come home, because I over-extended myself to go someplace when I didn't come up with the funds from elsewhere...It's funny, because folks always tell me "Companies/People would be glad to sponsor you....It should be be easy as hell to get some sponsors"...But when I try, no one has the $...or me doing jiu-jitsu doesn't fit in with giving them any measurable ROI...or they just aren't willing...and I am not as good as the people at the top, so I am not attractive to the top sponsors...all that makes me proud and feel even more happy that Tyler from GOMGI ( ...maker of the BEST GI and No-GI equipment out there!) allows me to represent his brand...But I have to find something else not only to help get myself there but to help folks find out about gomgi, alliance, hicks mma, mohler jiu-jitsu, and just to show what I can do on a bigger scene...Anyone out there that knows any company, entity, etc that would be willing and able now, to sponsor me for some of these tournament trips coming up or hell if you just know a decent and easy/quick enough way to do some fund-raising...PLEASE let me know...

Some News:
I am now an OFFICIAL NAGA first action as such will be working the Dollamur NAGA championships here in Dallas on May 3rd. It MAY be my first action as a Brown Belt...but that depends on whether or not they split the weight divisions up(there are 3 brown belts who are said to come which are all over 265lbs....and 2 of em are above 300!!!), and how I can work it out with NAGA as they don't generally like to have the referees competing...
Also, there's a nice little write up in Gracie Magazine Association's News site on here to see it:


I am also working on submitting my name for the 200lb and over division of the 8 Man Pro division at the 2008 GrapplersQuest U.S. Nationals, June 28 and June 29 in NJ held concurrently with the Copa Atlantica BJJ tournament...Would be in a division with Monson and Ricardo Migliarese among others...A daunting task to do well, but you have to start someplace...Of course, this is contingent upon them allowing me in (which is a stretch b/c my resume' isn't all that good compared to any in the field), and having the $ to be able to go as I mentioned above, but I will try...

I'd just like to say here, that I hate politics in BJJ/grappling...Hate my damned job but need it (how I stopped from choking out my co-worker yesterday was only by the grace of God! :( )...there is no such thing as a respectable ho! that's an oxymoron!...I am working on another album and mixtape and my flow is straight window Licker (i.e. retarded or very very good...again this is for you ebonically challenged folks...), so look out for it...I'd love to be teaching some place but I couldn't survive with the bills I have...I got too many damned medicines to take and it's kickin my ass in training...I'm Just rambling..I fight on...

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Damn...I'm A Freshman Again

Small doubts have been a part of my jiu-jitsu travels since the beginning. but always, it seemed I was ahead of them. I trust in Coach Allen and Marcus' judgment implicitly, and know they believe in my abilities, but the goals I've set for myself (Most notably the next one up - Winning My Weight Division at Mundials ...[And possibly facing and beating Kron there in the absolute]) are seeming to me to be very large ones indeed...
I feel like I deserve to be where I am(Marrom), but don't "know", it like I did at Roxa...It's like I am going from 8th grade to a Freshman in HS or my Sr. year in HS to being a Freshman in College again.
I haven't worked hard enough. As much as I sacrifice and have been selfish too the rest of the world in my training and travels, the fact is, I have not done enough to attain the levels I set forth for myself. On top of that, I have in my heart a desire not to be a disappointment to Coaches/training partners/family/friends by not maintaining the level I success, I have been setting recently.
Taught my first class at faixa marrom this past Sunday, and the whole time I felt the weight of not wishing to lead people in the wrong direction and having to have all the answers such as I have never felt b/c of my new rank...
Last night I was cleared to roll by the doc since my procedure, and even though I know my cardio and reflexes are a bit off as I am still having some physical problems (the arm issue has NOT gone away :(...having weird heart palpitations pretty much all day now, and not getting but perhaps 2 hrs sleep a night ), but I felt the pressure of needing to look good and dominant even though I was working escapes and starting from bad positions to make sure I was sharp...I wasn't in danger and got more than a few submissions after working my way out of positions, but, not in the fashion or ease, that I feel a brown should be doing.
I just don't want to be a disappointment...Problem is, I am already disappointing me.

Thought For The Day:
You will have no peace while causing discord.

Check out this video of the next
WEC Lightweight Champion...
Marcus Hicks:

Friday, April 11, 2008

Agony Of Defeat And The Thrill Of Victory Of Starting Anew (I'M A BROWN BELT NOW!!!!)

Getting The Happy Drugs

Dr. Jerry About To Work

Steve About To sleep

The CRNA And Recovery Nurse

Great Folks!

The New Belt
Faixa Marrom

Me And The Lil One
(She's Due For A new Belt Next Month!)

Marcus and Me

GREAT Friend, Brother, Coach, Champion

Coach Hicks and Coach Allen
(I Am Where I Am B/C Of Them)

Coach Allen And Me
(Great Friend And Coach!)

Hoping To Be A Champion At Brown One Day Soon


Today started off not so well...though I woke up at 206.2 which I was happy about, I was off to the job for a few....Short time I was there got on my last nerve, but I don't think it was solely b/c of the job, but more worry about what was to come....

Today I had another procedure on my neck...Epidural Cortico-Steroid Injections into the C5 and C6 disks (they found problems with the C5 they didn't find before, and needed to try to rectify my arm problems which I still have with the C6)...
Well, the people at the surgical center are all great. They make me feel at home and are great at what they do...They keep things light and fun actually...Dr. Jerry really has gotten rid of about 90% of the pain I was having....Hopefully this works, because fusing my vertebrae is something I honestly don't want to think about....He also said that if this set of injections didn't work for the arms there was one other thing he could try with the nerves in the arms and shoulders, so keeping my fingers crossed...The pain killers are wearing off now finally, and the injection sites are hurting but I am hopeful and feeling OK...See The Pics Below:

Well I get home and lay down, and almost fall asleep, but had to get the lil one from school so I couldn't just pass out liek I wanted to. (Note to Self: Walking while high on whatever they shoot into you for anesthesia is NOT fun!)...Well I get her home and get her fed...And have just enough time to get her to jiu-jitsu class...Forgot, that I am in charge of referees and scoring etc at the No-GI tournament being held at the American Airlines Center tomorrow, and that the weigh-ins are at my gym from 7pm-9pm, so, looks like I will be there....anyways, long story short, Coach Allen asks me to run warm-ups and drills/techniques with class while he helps out with weigh-ins and some new sign ups for the school...So I get into my Gi (I ALWAYS have one in the car with me ;) )and do so gingerly so as not to aggravate anything as I am not supposed to be doing anything....Around the time we get to the rolling part of class, one of my good friends and TOUGH AS HELL training partners - Al, walks in...Hadn't seen him in a while so I went to greet him just as Marcus walked in...At that time, Coach Allen tells everyone to line up against the wall for some announcements...He tells everyone that he is proud of me, and the time it took for me to get my belt, and complimented my character, work ethic, performance and technique (That one made me smile huge as I was about to crack up before) and honestly made me feel really good to be thought of as highly as he spoke...then, Marcus spoke, and said how it was unusual as far as time but as far as technique and my performances that I was overdue, and complimented me...MAN...If you knew Marcus you would know how big that is not just to me but period...Marcus is a man of few words in public...well period..but even rarer is Marcus complimenting people on their game etc...I almost lost it then...but they called me out after everyone clapped and Let me speak a bit...If you know me, I am quite verbose at times, but I could only muster a few things and to let Marcus and Coach Allen know as well as the school that I will work hard to exceed the thoughts they have of me and left it at that...From then, I got my new belt...Once again, this is something that as I type has me really emotional...Marcus gave me HIS Brown Belt!!!With the work that dude puts in, and his extremely high standards, I have a lot to fill as far as holding a brown belt as it is, but with it being his, that all is like ten steps above...Means a lot he thinks that much of me to do that...Dude is like my brother....anyways...I go on to walk the gauntlet...Instead of three passes, as the space was small for the amount of people, I had to receive from each person at least three strikes...Man, honestly, my but and back are STILL some nice lil ole bruises from it ....But it was ALL worth it...(and I'mma have to pay some folks back soon too! LOL)...took some pictures with my daughter and friends and now I'm home...wish I could sleep till Sunday, but have to be up to be at the Tournament...hope to get some rest after that!....As far as the Belt Promotion..I am floating, b/c it means a lot more than you know...Well now, I have NAGA here in dallas and the BJJ Americas Cup in CA in May as Tune ups, for Mundials in June...I am looking to shock a few people there definitely...With the fokls I have in my corner, there's no way it won't happen...Hope to settle in to the Marrom for a few years, and work to be the best Black Belt I can be sometime down the road...the journey begins....I fight on...
Here are the pictures from tonight...

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Milestones And Setbacks


I'm The Jugganaut Biiitch!!!

Think About This When you're Feeling Down! lol

Building Myself

Waiting For The Next Evolution

Weight At Writing: 204.0

I've had a practice since January of 1991 (Date of my first Tattoo) of getting a tattoo whenever I have a life changing/altering or seriously good or bad milestone...I'm up in the twenties now as far as number...
Well this week, I had a really fulfilling milestone in jiu-jitsu...Something that made me know that my work is paying off, and that let me know that I can one day really be pretty good at it...No need to list what it was, just know it made me feel pretty good...Only thing is, in my life I've always seemed to have one good thing happen and a host of bad ones to accompany it...
If you've been reading, I had my second procedure on my back (this one was on my cervical 6 and 7 disks)last Friday....Well it seems after my doctor visit today, that I have to undergo a second on my neck this coming Friday...this is because of a new problem in my C5 as well as the problem in my hands/arms continued...That, along with results of my bloodwork indicating problems with my good cholesterol(low) and bad cholesterol(high), along with problems in my thyroid and liver, it seems I'm in for a lot of medication and struggling to stay healthy enough (well rather, feeling good enough) to train...On top of that, people with nothing better to do, just feel like they have to take any opportunity to take childish shots at me over b.s. when I haven't even so much as thought about em...Coupled with the everyday problems of life etc...Things have had a real good and bad turn at the same time...Still waiting and hoping for that step up to Marrom to come, but I dunno when or if...Just was hoping to clear that to be abel to focus clearly on the task at hand rather than being in suspense...But cest la vie...At least it SEEMS my training is working...And hopefully this next procedure works and prayers work to clear the rest of the bullshit and riffraff out of my life...If it wasn't hard it wouldn't be worth it I guess...

Wonder what the next tattoo is gonna be...all this stuff deserves one.

Thought For Today: Psalms 27:1-6
The LORD Is My Light and My Salvation

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell. 3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident. 4 One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the L:ord, and to enquire in his temple. 5 For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock. 6 And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord.

Friday, April 4, 2008

We Can Rebuild Him

Before The Surgery

High As Giraffe Ass
After The Surgery

The Six Injection Site

What I Want To Get Back To
I was 210 In This Picture
(I'm 202 Right Now)

Well, the procedure I had on the day I left for my trip had me nervous, but, I was so focused on training and competing that I was able to put it out of my mind...Not so with today's...Today they worked on the c6 and c7 disks in my cervical area....As it was, I had to be totally anesthetized for the procedure (BEST sleep I've had in weeks!) ...Well it went well, and hopefully there will be some improvement because of it...Thanks for all the well wishes and prayers! Through my blood work and some other tests though seems the old man is breaking down if you have it in you, keep them up...Anyways, I was so nervous about this procedure that it kind of hindered my thinking on a huge thing as far as my jiu-jitsu is concerned...But after talking to Marcus (and really thinking about why I had my mind made up in the first place about it...I came up with my answer...There will be more on this soon I hope...anyways...Just a short one to let y'all know how I am...Hopefully I can go back to training Monday!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

What More Can I Do?...Are You Not Entertained?

The New Look

Part Of The GOMGI Team

Tarsis And Me
Hope your Shoulder Heals Soon So You Can
Give Em Hell At Mundials Bro
Thanks For The Help!

Passa La Guarda


Woke up at 205.6....Happy that I am maintaining my weight...It's a wonder that I am as it seems every night since early on into my last trip I've been sweating profusely at night, and I had that bout of being really sick for a while...

As for me, feeling a bit unmotivated since I got back. Not sure why. well there are a few reasons but I feel bad that they bother me. One big one is, I am back home. Back to the issues with work, my personal life and interpersonal relationships with people and things that place a great amount of stress on me, and I am worried about tomorrow's surgical procedure on my neck. If you are a praying person, send one up for me on this. The one before I left was serious, and seems to be a big help in making me more mobile, but the one tomorrow is more delicate and the disks/vertebrae affected as well as the area are very sensitive. My head and neck have been and are killing me, and I really don't know why. The obvious is the issue I am going to have worked on tomorrow, but this feels different for some reason. As for training, just not sure why, but the desire isn't there right now. Politics and other things just are making things kind of burdensome. Hope I can get past it soon. When I left to train, it was great because that's all I had to worry about...all I had to do...and no worries inside or outside the gym...Only thing I was worried about was my performance at Pan Ams and making sure that my performances in training were up to par. Coach Allen said if I won Pan Ams, and I felt like I could hold my own at Brown Belt, then we would talk about promoting me. Only thing is, I am not sure he really feels like he wants to do this for many reasons, though I don't think me being unworthy is one it still feels kind of disrespectful for me to have to ask, so that burdens me as well, as a I was asked why I hadn't been bumped up yet couple instructors as well as competitors that I have beaten before, and the other tough guys that were at my level that have all moved on. Ehh. I dunno...Will pray on it. Oh, I hate money. :( Whoever said mo money, mo problems was full of shit! Seems I won't be able to afford to go to the World Masters/Seniors Championships in Brazil. Hate asking for sponsorships etc., and it seems whatever I have been doing, is not good enough to attract support in that fashion...Seems to be a repeat of my music career, where no matter how good I performed or how hard I worked, it was never enough. Hopefully Coach Jon, and Kelly will still go and bring back some medals!
One good thing, I started my Portuguese lessons Tuesday. Always wanted to learn a new language, but was never disciplined enough to do so. It was a bit easier than I thought (knock on wood) and will be good for me in competition and training. Anyway, I fight on. Thank you all for taking the time to read my writings. Means a lot that anyone would take time out of their day to see what is going on with me. God bless.

Thought For Today: When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

The warrior's intention should be simply to grasp his sword and to die.
- Kiyomasa Kato (1562-1611)