Saturday, June 13, 2009
I honestly have thought of this day, dreamed of this day, and fantasized about what it would be, how it would feel, and what it meant...I honestly still don't know what or how to feel! I am numb. The biggest thing, is that I always held and still hold the wearers of the Faixa Preta in such high esteem as to have them be akin to super heroes in my eyes. As much as I have been confident in my abilities, and confident in my skills, I just never felt I could live up to being seen in that light. Jiu-Jitsu has kept me alive. It has given me incentive to do things that are conducive to living well, healthy, and with good peace of mind. Anyways, Coach Allen and Coach Marcus felt I was worthy and I even had Professor Jacare' tell me that my belt was well deserved, so who am I not to feel that I am?
A good and bad thing about milestones in life, is that they present an opportunity to see what people really feel about you. People harbor opinions of you within themselves which become their reality. No matter what you do, say, or how you act, they feel that this is the truth and how it really is, no matter what is evident in the contrary in reality. It is really hurtful to find this out from people you care about. Especially painful is to find out they already were doing things behind your back because of their incorrect ASSumptions and opinions. It's even hurtful when you work really hard to do or be something and find out even total strangers have negative opinions of you. All that said, I guess it is a good thing, because it allows you to rid yourself of those who care not enough to get inside of you to see what is really there. Take the time for someone you claim to care about, to listen and understand what they need or want even if it is not how you think it should be done. This is something Jiu-Jitsu has taught me that every situation can be approached and handled differently...You can see and assume something is a certain way, but until u approach it on it's own terms and merits (NOT under what you ASSUME it to be.) you will most certainly always make the wrong decision about it.
Jiu-Jitsu has been a guide in changing my life, in helping me to be a better person, in allowing me to express myself to the world. I'd always believed that between this and my attempting to be a good father to my daughter, I could be at least a decent person. Well, my daughter is gone to be living with her mother now, and I truly feel as lost as I was as a white belt. I can not concentrate, I can not focus, and I can not deal with the things good or bad as they should be dealt with. I hope that I can find focus again. As in jiu-jitsu when things go wrong, even a tad bit, they go horribly wrong in a downhill spiral, but there is always a chance, if you keep fighting, that you could snatch victory from the precipice of defeat at the last minute when you feel you can take no more. I hope that comes back to me.
I have a few more goals to add to my list now.....One of which, is to compete two more years (I would be 40 in 2011)at the Mundials. Another is to go down to Masters&Seniors in July and to win my division...The others I will post later but to live up to the trust has been placed in me...I fight on...
Thought For The Day: "One day, I will wake up and no longer be able to do this: Today is NOT that day!" - author unknown
Thought For The Day2: "Cultivate the poise of a dead man. The samurai should be incapable of being emotionally aroused, particularly by lust, greed, pride, jealousy or anger."
Thought For The Day 3: "If you are not with me, you are against me."
Posted by Pesadelo at 00:41
Monday, June 8, 2009
Life's a bitch sometimes...In the midst of it being at it's most highest point of bitchtivity(yes it's a word cuz I say so), it can really give you the boost you need to keep going!...Oh, and while I think about putting the weekend down into the blog, I'd like to go on record as stating that dog farts are the most horrid thing on earth!!! EWwww...Beneful gives my dog gas, but as she is back to herself, I am happy she is eating...
On to the Jiu-Jitsu....I got Third Place at This Weekend's World Brazilian Jiu-jitsu Championships...Brown Belt, Super Heavyweight Division...and the Alliance team won the team championship by a WIDE margin...
Got up about 4am...got to the airport and hit the plane for a smooth flight about 6:10am....Couldn't sleep even though I was exhausted as my knee bothered me badly..haven't said much before the tournament b/c I did not want it out to opponents, but I couldn't bear much weight on my left knee when flexed and it hurt constantly...Gonna have to hit the ortho doc to have it checked...Got in to have the rental company charge a $500 deposit before checking to see that my rental was prepaid which should have been a $50 deposit(They reversed it but even so, it had to wait until it hit my bank to drop off...This would not happen until Monday night as they don't process over the weekend....This, on top of the fact that deductibles from my hospital and from my car being wrecked were taken out a week earlier then they should have which left me with pretty much NO money for the weekend...Anyways...I had snacks etc and needed to work off some weight as I was a few pounds over anyway...got to the hotel and unwound a bit...Then went off to the pyramid at Cal St LB...got there too late to see Sampson's matches so I went up to the stands to join the team...It always feels great to be received as family when I see these guys...they always treat me well and it was great to see all the folks I hadn't in some time...Anyways saw a LOT of great matches including some from some names you will hear for some time to come, David Bass, Johnathan Thomas, and Michel Langhi...The latter two closed out their division with Michel getting his new brown belt on the podium! I also got to see and talk with some friends from http://www.jiujitsuforums.com and got to talk with a lot of folks who read the blog...this was started so I could keep track of what I did, how I felt, and what was memorable through my travels in the art, and several times the notion has struck me to make it private, but to hear so many say this inspires them and that they enjoy reading my boring ranting made me feel great...Meeting these people and being in that atmosphere really made me know that I have found what I was meant to do in life! Thank you all who care enough to take the time to read here!...I spent the day running back and forth to the locker room and the scale trying to make certain I was making weight...Left that night with a headache and about a half pound cushion...Got back to the hotel feeling a tad bit exhausted and weird...Decided to try to do some cardio to sweat off a pound or two to allow me to be able to eat some as I had put some of the little $ I had left aside to do so...Changed into some shorts and went down stairs...b the time I walked across the lobby and into the fitness center, I was having horrible chills and shaking uncontrollably...It was hard to keep from looking like I was on crack as I shook so bad my walking was crooked as I tried to hurry tot he elevator...Then I tried to contain myself so the folks who were staring in the elevator didn't think I had swine flu and call the CDC on me...I get back into my room and jump into a hot shower...The shaking stopped, until I got out when it returned worse...I almost crumpled to the floor, but I got on my shorts and t-shirt and put on the hotel robe and got extra blankets from the closet and got in bed...Took me about an hour to stop shaking and another hour to get to bed as all I could think of was getting choked out early...Only good thing was....
I woke up about 4 lbs under weight...So I wasn't shaking when I awoke but I was exhausted and a tad bit sore..someone said it might have been from not eating and trying to cut weight...If so, I am going to work on getting my weight up to about 240 now so I don't have to worry about cutting, and I can handle those huge guys at Pessadissimo...Anyways I get to the gym early and make certain I am prepared mentally and as time nears for my match I notice the high level of talent this year...Also notice how much better in shape everyone seems to be than I am as well as how much younger everyone looks! My confidence is really gone about now...I felt that I only wanted to get on the mat, and not look stupid and I would be ok...Well I take my first match by walk over as my opponent does not make weight...My next two matches go arm-bar, then combination arm-bar/triangle...Both in less than one minute...I am through to the semi-finals...Suffice it to say, that in this match, I had pts that were not called for me, pts called against that should not have been, a horribly incorrect re-start position, and a missed submission attempt I should have finished so I was not happy with the calls and feel like that match was taken for me...That said, my opponent ended up winning the title and is a great guy...the ref.........that's all I have to say about thaaat....Besides tearing off half a fingernail and bending up 3 others and hurting my neck a tad bit, I was really ok with my performance and for an old guy of 38, I did put in a decent showing against the young ones at the Mundials...At least I think so...That evening after I cooled off about the reffing, I caught some great black belt matches! I also got a new sponsor http://www.bjjedge.com that will help me to cover reg costs and allow me to do a few things such as write and show some techniques as well...Thanks Pesh!...Will tell you guys more about this in my next post, as I'd like to cover everything that will happen with it first...That said, ANYONE who practices the gentle art, and perhaps in some other areas would be wise to get in on this soon...So I walked out a little dejected but feeling good as I had a few more folks tell me they recognized me from the blog and that they liked and followed it!...So after saying my goodbyes...I got in the car...and knew after that night was ending and I was driving to my hotel late that night, that our brown belt teams put Alliance in place to cruise to victory as a team!
All I can say is the atmosphere was electric..I got there about 10am...And watched as our black belts put in a clinic...Between having the entire team together and chanting back and forth between us and Gracie Barra/Gracie Humaita/etc the hours flew by...I got to see more good friends, including Big Rick who trains up in Washington and is only six weeks removed from brain tumor removal and therapy who competed this weekend! Needless to say, Again, I was inspired...Watching Jacare' come back after his illness, watching folks overcome their shortcomings and hardships and being int he company of people who had so much good will with one another even int he midst of harsh competition makes me happy I found Jiu-Jitsu...It was wonderful...As we took the team trophy that night it was just the perfect end to a great weekend...Even got a picture with Roger Gracie...He seems so huge on the mats but after standing near him, I am about the same size and actually weigh more than him now...Hope to one day be able to at least match his strength and even half his technique though...I will work on it...I talked at the end of the night to Caleb from http://wwwthefightworkspodcast.com and we shared how he is doing after his injury and about coming back to train as well as had him tell me more about folks who enjoy my blog which lifted my spirits as well...even though I was broke, hungry, hurting, and really down about my real life before I came, and dreaded returning to it as things are only worsening...I knew I made the right decision to do so, and am really glad God decided to bless someone so unworthy with such abundance...If I did not have my daughter and Jiu-Jitsu, I would die, as it seems everything else crumbles...So...the old man continues....I fight on...
Thought For The Day:Who steals my purse steals trash; tis something, nothing;
twas mine, tis his, and has been slave to thousands
But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him
And makes me poor indeed.
Posted by Pesadelo at 22:43