Saturday, June 13, 2009
I honestly have thought of this day, dreamed of this day, and fantasized about what it would be, how it would feel, and what it meant...I honestly still don't know what or how to feel! I am numb. The biggest thing, is that I always held and still hold the wearers of the Faixa Preta in such high esteem as to have them be akin to super heroes in my eyes. As much as I have been confident in my abilities, and confident in my skills, I just never felt I could live up to being seen in that light. Jiu-Jitsu has kept me alive. It has given me incentive to do things that are conducive to living well, healthy, and with good peace of mind. Anyways, Coach Allen and Coach Marcus felt I was worthy and I even had Professor Jacare' tell me that my belt was well deserved, so who am I not to feel that I am?
A good and bad thing about milestones in life, is that they present an opportunity to see what people really feel about you. People harbor opinions of you within themselves which become their reality. No matter what you do, say, or how you act, they feel that this is the truth and how it really is, no matter what is evident in the contrary in reality. It is really hurtful to find this out from people you care about. Especially painful is to find out they already were doing things behind your back because of their incorrect ASSumptions and opinions. It's even hurtful when you work really hard to do or be something and find out even total strangers have negative opinions of you. All that said, I guess it is a good thing, because it allows you to rid yourself of those who care not enough to get inside of you to see what is really there. Take the time for someone you claim to care about, to listen and understand what they need or want even if it is not how you think it should be done. This is something Jiu-Jitsu has taught me that every situation can be approached and handled differently...You can see and assume something is a certain way, but until u approach it on it's own terms and merits (NOT under what you ASSUME it to be.) you will most certainly always make the wrong decision about it.
Jiu-Jitsu has been a guide in changing my life, in helping me to be a better person, in allowing me to express myself to the world. I'd always believed that between this and my attempting to be a good father to my daughter, I could be at least a decent person. Well, my daughter is gone to be living with her mother now, and I truly feel as lost as I was as a white belt. I can not concentrate, I can not focus, and I can not deal with the things good or bad as they should be dealt with. I hope that I can find focus again. As in jiu-jitsu when things go wrong, even a tad bit, they go horribly wrong in a downhill spiral, but there is always a chance, if you keep fighting, that you could snatch victory from the precipice of defeat at the last minute when you feel you can take no more. I hope that comes back to me.
I have a few more goals to add to my list now.....One of which, is to compete two more years (I would be 40 in 2011)at the Mundials. Another is to go down to Masters&Seniors in July and to win my division...The others I will post later but to live up to the trust has been placed in me...I fight on...
Thought For The Day: "One day, I will wake up and no longer be able to do this: Today is NOT that day!" - author unknown
Thought For The Day2: "Cultivate the poise of a dead man. The samurai should be incapable of being emotionally aroused, particularly by lust, greed, pride, jealousy or anger."
Thought For The Day 3: "If you are not with me, you are against me."
Posted by Pesadelo at 00:41