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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Damn...I'm A Freshman Again

Small doubts have been a part of my jiu-jitsu travels since the beginning. but always, it seemed I was ahead of them. I trust in Coach Allen and Marcus' judgment implicitly, and know they believe in my abilities, but the goals I've set for myself (Most notably the next one up - Winning My Weight Division at Mundials ...[And possibly facing and beating Kron there in the absolute]) are seeming to me to be very large ones indeed...
I feel like I deserve to be where I am(Marrom), but don't "know", it like I did at Roxa...It's like I am going from 8th grade to a Freshman in HS or my Sr. year in HS to being a Freshman in College again.
I haven't worked hard enough. As much as I sacrifice and have been selfish too the rest of the world in my training and travels, the fact is, I have not done enough to attain the levels I set forth for myself. On top of that, I have in my heart a desire not to be a disappointment to Coaches/training partners/family/friends by not maintaining the level I success, I have been setting recently.
Taught my first class at faixa marrom this past Sunday, and the whole time I felt the weight of not wishing to lead people in the wrong direction and having to have all the answers such as I have never felt b/c of my new rank...
Last night I was cleared to roll by the doc since my procedure, and even though I know my cardio and reflexes are a bit off as I am still having some physical problems (the arm issue has NOT gone away :(...having weird heart palpitations pretty much all day now, and not getting but perhaps 2 hrs sleep a night ), but I felt the pressure of needing to look good and dominant even though I was working escapes and starting from bad positions to make sure I was sharp...I wasn't in danger and got more than a few submissions after working my way out of positions, but, not in the fashion or ease, that I feel a brown should be doing.
I just don't want to be a disappointment...Problem is, I am already disappointing me.

Thought For The Day:
You will have no peace while causing discord.

Check out this video of the next
WEC Lightweight Champion...
Marcus Hicks:

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