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Tuesday, April 29, 2008


Who Doesn't Love Cute Puppy Pictures?
Had 2 Balance Out 2Day's Post

Gotta Keep Praying

Weight 205.4

Everything hurts. Arm problems back. Scratched cornea killing me more than I care to let on. Low back locking up again. Headaches back. Had a pain episode last night. Emotionally a wreck. Not dealing and playing with others well is what would be written on my note sent home from school i fI was back Not able to apply things I am learning in class as I was before. I worry that my teaching is not effective enough for the students. In a lot of situations I've gone back to muscling moves, when I'd worked so hard to become smooth in my motions. The mindset I'd worked so hard with, from Marcus, it seems I can't find it. It's almost like I hit another plateau. I know that a lot of it comes from the stress in my every day life, but it seems to also be from the aggravation of all these injuries accumulating as well as the realization I think I am going to miss not only the Masters/Seniors Worlds in Brazil, but also Mundials and most likely U.S. Open and the GQ U.S. Championships as well due to lack of $.
I'd gotten used to hearing from friend and stranger alike, how it should just be accepted and I should move on and not let it get me down. (Same friends and strangers who thought it'd be so easy to find sponsorship. Couple of those friends also resent Jiu-Jitsu for the way I pursue it.) I'd almost come to grips with changing my line of thinking that I need to get in as much as I can now, b/c due to my history, my family history and just the general fragile nature of life, that has to be the way to pursue things so as not to leave here with regrets. Then I had a really good friend, whom I've known for some time, tell me they were possibly very sick (though I do believe it will turn out to be nothing serious), and I got word from my best friend, that a mutual friend(though I was not that close to him), age 34 or 35 had several heart attacks on this past Saturday and is due tomorrow or Thursday to have triple bypass surgery. (PLEASE PRAY FOR HIM AND HIS FAMILY!) That got me back thinking about me, my situation, and what to do.
As I said b4, I found something I love to do once again when I thought that I would never do so after music. The goals I've set, if I don't work harder, and do the type training required and get the right mindset needed to at least have a chance of reaching them, I will never see. I have no idea what to do about the $ and sponsorship thing. but I do feel like, if I miss these this year, I honestly don't know if next year, I will even be in position to attempt to reach where I'd like to be, even if the funds are right.
I've sacrificed a lot. Used to at least find solace in rolling, and peace on the mats. Even that's gone for the worries in life off the mats, and worry about how to do better on them. I wish I could shut everything out. Eliminate everything troubling me and just make this last run at things before I am relegated to just doing it solely as a hobby if my body and mind allow me to do so at all. Hell I wish I could just shut all the stress and stressful people and thoughts out and just go away from it all. I dunno what else to do so I fight on. Just with no direction anymore.

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