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Monday, March 3, 2008

When You, Are The Problem

First, I'm at about 208.6 tonight...Don't know how I lost weight, but I did. :(

Another thing, if any of you read Gracie Magazine, it is the official magazine of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu pretty much; I made it into issue 132! They did a little blurb on my Absolute win and trials/tribulations at the European Championships...Check out the picture and mention on page 36. Kinda nice being in there with legends of the sport.

Tonight, had my back lock up, both my hamstrings get tweaked, and had my confidence smashed while trying to do something I used to do with ease! (Played basketball competitively...I did go 5-7 with one three point play, a couple steals and a block...but my body just didn't allow me to move or do the things I've always been able to.)

Made me kind of come to the realization, that even though I am doing well in my travels, time is coming where I might not be able to. A lot of it, is owed to my own lack of fortitude and perseverance.

From the outside, it may seem not to be the case, but I haven't applied myself nor have I worked hard enough to achieve the goals I set for myself. I may have even set some goals for myself that are out of my reach, further exacerbating the problems that are inherent within the gentle art, and within life itself. Couple that, with having to deal with people meaning you no good, and it gets overbearing at times.

I always wanted to be the best in the world at something. That something, I felt, would be the things that just clicked with me. I am a very blessed person, to have had music. Even to see it fall far short of what I intended. and now to have Jiu-Jitsu. A lot of people don't ever come to a passion they also excel at. I've had two. Problem is...with the myriad gifts God has blessed me with, I have squandered by not fully committing myself to reaching the full potential He imbued me with. Kept getting frustrated at other people, and other things, when I haven't reached the goals I set, but the problem is, I should be mad at me for not working hard enough, long enough, nor well enough and taking the easy route too often. (As much as I preach doing things correctly, I should take a little bit of my own medicine.:()...Kept wondering why folks had issue with me even when I'd done them nothing...I'd done something, even if I wasn't aware...Just a little tired...This one is more for me, to hopefully look back on at a better time in life to see how I was feeling....Honestly at a little bit of a crossroads. Life gets in the way sometimes, and sometimes it's your fault that it does. What to do next is the problem. Wish I could throw a triangle at the problem and choke it out, but I'd just be choking me. I have to work harder if I am to get to a place to see if I am worthy of what I laid before myself to do. Sure feels like I am not.

I still walk. For now.

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