Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Rambling Wreck...For Me.
I write this for myself. To remember my feelings. To know whence I came, in order to have a record when I arrive at the terminus of my journey. Not for acceptance, not for glorification, but for a reconciliation of actions, to words, to life itself.
People ask me why I do this. I almost always answer, "because I love it." I had to think about this though. My love for the art causes a rift in the rest of my life at times. It has become more than love but an obsession, and an increasing barrier to beign able to function in the "real" world. When I thought of why I do this, there are many reasons I came up with. One important one is, I have always in my life, been a quitter. Taken the easy road, rather than traverse the pains and obstacles. To stop moving forward when the going was tough, and thus, the gifts God blessed me with were wasted. The gentle art, is brutal in it's pursuit. I knew that I could not slack in order to progress. To move forward, perseverance, endurance, fortitude, and dedication are required. In addition, there is no one who can influence the outcome on the mat but myself. My work would be shown to be in order or flawed in an instant. The judgment of others is taken out of the window of possibility. I submit or be submitted. Also, it is a pursuit of something that would give the love I put into it back without pretense nor requirement. I do this as I do, because one day I will be old. Not in age per se, but in the ability to chase that which is desired. When that day arrives, I wish to have something to hold up to my child to show as an accomplishment worthy of some level of admiration, as well as as an example she can follow as to how to persist and overcome challenge. I do this for the people I see every day who do not and will not know the joy of even being able to take a walk. Those who can not know the freedom of moving how and where they wish. God gave me abilities that if wasted, as I have for so long in my life, would be a slap in the face to those I suffered with, to those who long to be able to move, to run, to throw, to compete. I do not wish to offend them, even if they do not feel to take it as such. I do this because it truly gives me joy to be able to excel because of my own merit, my own work, which, for the most part, can not be judged subjectively. I do it because I can escape my troubles completely when on the mats. I do it more recently because I love to instruct. This I attribute tot he great teachers in the art I have had, but moreso to my parents who were both long time educators. Perhaps that is the calling God has provided for me. It does truly make me happy to be able to pass on tools given to me that have provided such a rich enjoyment to others. To see them gain what I have. Though it is no Large money maker, it does provide a huge payment in peace of mind. The things I achieve bby work and perseverance int he art allow me to love myself at my most unlovable times. To be honest, this rambling comes as I struggle with trying to be a better father to my daughter, a better friend to those closest to me, and a better person overall. All of which have been neglected in some fashion by my travels through the gentle art. Not continuing would allow me to be better, but would be continuing my patterns of past life, which I want so desperately to stop. I got the most curious letter/email today. It perplexed, encouraged, and saddened me at once. Because of my own flaws and misgivings, I could not completely assimilate it into my being. I will definitely work to do so though, and I am grateful for receiving it because of what it took to be delivered to me. This has been partially initiated beacuse of that, but also because despite all I wrote above, there are times that I honestly don't know why I do it.
That hurts and is worrisome, and I hope to find my way out of it soon. I do have many moments of happiness from my jiu-jitsu travels, such as someone out of the blue coming up to me, telling me they read my blog and were encouraged by it. I was almost moved to tears by that, because of the sincerity in his statement (but I couldn't show that b/c I was being all macho at a tournament! lol). I just don't want to hurt the rest of my life by blindly following my heart for my own happiness. To make up for my own past demons and come to be able to better my own being as it relates to others to assuage my own insecurities should not be the only reason to continue doing this. As the title states, I am rambling...Sorry for that. I know it is incoherent, and some is meant to be so as to provide some anonymity of my own personal private thoughts. But I apologize nonetheless. I have to have a last-ditch effort procedure on my back tomorrow (if this one does not work, then the options to solve it would likely keep me from continuing to train). In addition the stuttering and head pain really is causing me ntot o even wish to talk to people for anything. On top of that, the knee is not good still, and I am afraid to go to the doctor to get it checked. This comes all on top of the regular daily problems of life, in addition to those caused by jiu-jitsu, or rather my dogged pursuit of it....I do not know where I will be taken next on my journey, but, I do pray I will be better for it.
I have lot's to write for the previous post, and will do so asap. the private lesson I had with Fabio Gurgel was overwhelming. There is much genius in simplicity. My game will be much better for having had just that one hour of tutelage. The trip was fine, though I was burdened with life issues, and I was able, with the grace of God to persevere and win my division and absolute. (Still hate NO-GI though). I will make certain to update all that this week. That said, the joys I receive are perhaps not even deserved, but I will fight to better myself as a person, competitor and student to be able to live up to what is given to me by the art...So, until such time comes that I should not, can not, or will not.....I fight on...
Thought For Today: Do not be the fool on the hill. Be different, be better, from now on.
Posted by Pesadelo at 12:00