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Monday, April 13, 2009


A Man In Turmoil


Weight: 218.2
Tonight went GREAT! Had some good friends come through to share the night and roll, and had a few new students come through...Even had some women come and looks like I will have one lady sign up. The class flew by actually and just really served to remind me that This is what i want to do with the rest of my life! Everyone who came through tonight, and everyone who along the way who has offered, help, training, friendship, motivation, support, and/or even just a kind word along my travels through the gentle art to date, i thank you all from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to get to this point and helping me to have a meaning to my life. I only wish that I can give back even half of what I have received. My day was really horrible.Not only did people and things make me feel bad about myself, but really my energy was sapped and I really doubted a lot of things about how I live and what kind of person I am, as well as just was discouraged and frustrated. Tonight's attendance and the kind email/comment from pcauwels (you can see it in the comments of this post) I got were proof that if you just wait, God will catch you when you are just at your breaking point. To be honest, I felt as if no one would really want to sign up with me. with all the excellent options for learning the art in the area, it just seemed like I would be doing this more as a function of peace of mind rather than being turly worthy of the respect that comes with being an instructor. But the few that came and wished to actully sign up with me really made me feel worth something. It was truly humbling. I've realized that as much as we go through it's just being patient and learning that within you, you have what you need to make it through. I still am not good physically (have some issues with my lower back locking up on me terribly...i tried not to show it in class but it was and is KILLING me...making an appt tomorrow as it's getting hard to walk), and definitely have issues to sort out in everyday life, but, I can make fight on....

Weight: 220.4

Tonight's the night. My own school. All my responsibility.
Pesadelo Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu at The DFW Gun Range is born at 7PM, 13 April, 2009.
I have great role models in Jiu-Jitsu and in business and only hope that I can follow well in their footsteps, and be able to add something to the rich tradition of good Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu in the area!
Hope I have a few people at least stop through, if not to actually train tonight so I am not sitting there alone for an hour and a half! lol. Setting a goal to have five students sign up tonight!

As for training, I have been effective, but still don't feel like I have closed anything up to a black belt level that I need to yet. Have a few things to work up, especially sweep defense, half-guard/X-guard defense, as well as working on a few new sweeps to be able to chain with my attacks and sweeps I currently have in my tool box. I need to sharpen a few things up for the Super Fight I am to have this Saturday in Houston at the Texas Int'l Grappling Festival. Hope to have a good showing and not look silly.

Personal life is a shambles, financially a bit of a wreck, also worried that teaching will take away greatly from my training and preparation time, and definitely nervous about my time management and ability to be successful business-wise, but, I at least have the school to focus on. No matter what's going on, it normally at least FEELS better after an hour or so on the mats...So... I fight on...

Thought For The Day: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.


Junior Familia said...

goodluck man!

pcauwels said...

Hey, been wanting to send you a note since you refereed my son at NAGA in March.

My son Holden competed in the beginner under 100 pound gi and no-gi competitions.

It was his first competition and really appreciated your advice and encouragement. He had such a positive experience and is really looking forward to coming back to compete again. He also gained a new excitement for training and pushing himself in training.

He ended up taking 1st in gi and 3rd in no-gi.

He even talked me into donning a gi and taking classes. I love it.

Anyways, I really appreciated your professionalism and your caring in regards to my son.

Good luck in your new endeavor. I wish you the best.
Look forward to seeing you at the next NAGA event.

clinzy said...

Congrats on the successful opening! If you have women sign up and they're feeling lost, don't hesitate to get them in touch with me over at NHB Gear. The women's community in BJJ is small, but supportive!!

Georgette said...

Congrats of course!

And like Clinzy said-- I'd be happy to chat with any ladies you get, so feel free to steer them my way at