Take It Personal...

Weight: 227.2

To journey into the land of the elite adult black belts and walk away with hardware, I have much to work on and need to refocus myself...My training will be come more intense and channeled towards being able to do the things I know I can do in other areas of my game and rely on them enough that I have no hesitation in using them...Twice daily, six days per week will be the schedule for my rolling/drilling...and I will concentrate more on my basics when teaching class from here on out...The fact that I will be able to work with Marcus as well as go to the Alliance training camp will be a huge help in progressing...Honestly though things are conspiring to keep me from the Pans...If things continue as they are, I won't make it there to put into practice what I am working on. I don't know what I will do if that comes to pass...Breaking my streak at Sr. 1(won at Purple and Brown), already made me reticent to go, though I am excited to see how I fare against the sports premier athletes in the prime of their lives...But now the thought of not even making it there after what I have done and will do to myself to be able to just stand on par with those guys is disheartening...Perhaps though, if God is willing and I come up with the funds some way, and I can show people that a guy of 39 years old can place or win, then maybe some sponsors will see me differently and this won't be an issue as I plan to test myself at Adult at all but the International Masters & Seniors World championships every tournament until Mundials when I am 40 and I finally say enough of competing with the youngsters...

Only a week away from the anniversary of my 39th year upon this planet, things seem foreign to me. The Jiu-Jitsu I know and love abandoned me in need for the first time in a LONG time. There is more that occurred last night and today that take me aback a bit in reference to the gentle art but right now on to the main things as they pertain to me personally. March 6th was the date, and my match for the gold in my weight class was against Bruno Bastos, arguably a top 5 talent in the world at anything over heavy weight. In that match he was very familiar with my game and worked to shut it down before I even started...In the match he had hold of my sleeve and ripped a hole in a brand new Dax Moskito GI...This GI is like a piece of iron and he just ripped it with a mere grab...anyways what I am so upset by in this match is the fact that beyond the ref allowing him to disengage as he did not wish to deal with my guard, I straight up froze as I was not used to being shut down in my game so thoroughly...It was as people say, when God closes a door, He pens a window....There were open windows ALL OVER, and I did not see them b/c I kept staring at the door...You must not become so fixated upon one aspect of your game in any match as it may not be able to be worked...Though this has not happened to me in I don't know how long, I went to my comfort zone and because he took that away, I was dominated that whole match until at about 9min30sec He went for a knee bar...Problem is, I honestly feel like had I struggled a tad more I would have defended and been out...I hate that feeling..I have not had it since a Blue Belt....I will not have it again...I got to meet Bruno again in the semi-finals of the open after a win on points in my first and a win by knee bar in the second...This time, I was positionally dominated but I got to my comfort zone and truly disgusted myself once again b/c I NEVER pulled the trigger! My defense was very good, and I noticed improvement in that area as being disciplined for the entire 10min is a must...This, is something that I had been working on as rolling with students and even some competitors, I could get away with tiny mistakes...At the level I wish to climb to, I can make no tiny mistakes! The only good I take away is my mental focus in the other matches and that my cardio was not shot, though it must be a great deal better...That said, now that I know I can work things to my advantage, I must pull the trigger efficiently, and expeditiously.

I must reinvent myself as a coach as well. I travel and see the respect and admiration other students have for their instructors and their instructors' lineage/team origins and I am envious...It seems as if my teaching and leadership skills are sorely lacking. Since I have been a Purple belt I have been teaching classes...Really since Blue I was assisting...Since then, through all the people I have assisted in class and the accomplishments I have done on my own, a grand total of three people sought me out from then until now to gain some insight though private classes...Part of this is because I believe it is right to give your all to the beginners as charging them for privates may not necessarily help them when their fundamental movements haven't been developed...that said, it's disheartening to know that whatever I may be seen as, it is definitely not seen as desirable to learn from me in that light...I have put everything I have into teaching at my school, and believe that if I can firmly implant a foundation of good fundamental movement, good command of the basic principles of the core Jiu-Jitsu techniques, and a knowledge of how the body works in concordance with what the aims of a technique are, that people will be much better off and excel...I hoped to give students even 1/4 of what I gained from Jiu-Jitsu...In as much, I returned every day from class happy as I could be, in the thought that I was respected enough to have them trust that I was leading them in the manner they should be...It really feels bad when you have not what you longed for and saw...How can I miss what I never had? I am always asked, how is your school doing? I am not one to lie so I say its small but I am happy...I am not a good businessman nor am I good at marketing so I am certain all that could be done to grow my school as a viable business is not occurring...I felt that the Jiu-Jitsu would win out. I felt that my passion for what I do, and the love I felt for my team would show through and make it successful in the long run by building a team/family atmosphere...I was reminded though that tings aren't personal...Everyone doesn't want to be part of a team etc...I guess the thing is, I must take someone's advice and be more professional. That is what I never wished to be...I feel it's wrong, but the more I travel, the more I keep meeting resistance in the form of folks wanting to do things their way...I progressed so fast because I trusted in my leadership to the point whatever they told me, I did, trusting that it would work out...And it always did. I have tired to be the person that whatever I sold, would be abel to be backed up...It is appreciated by some but most don't. I have to face that I am not the type of coach/insturctor that students look up to in that light...I am always questioned and it seems I am the one who ends up making the concession as the customer is always right...Right? Well, If I am not who I wish to be, I can only be me. I will train hard, I will teach what I know the way I know it should be taught. I will hold my standards up where I see them necessary to be. Those who choose to follow that, will get where they wish, in the manner they should...Those who don't will merely get techniques, and reach whatever height they will by their hand with some assistance from me...Sad to see it this way because I know for any other instructor, this would not be the case...But, I have work to do to gain more insight on more effectively teaching the techniques without having to place so much of my self into it....

There is a lot more to this but honestly, the sting of it makes me not wish to put it down...For those who don't know, there is a lot of detail I keep to myself to be more guarded...I write these to keep in mind what I went through and what I have overcome, that one day my child or students can look and see that if someone as lowly as myself made it, that they could as well...Forgive me for that...

I need to work more on my standing pass, and work more on differing attacks and sweeps from guard. as well as better aggression standing...I will work more on being me in my game, in my teaching, and in my life, and being happy with whoever that is...So, in that regard...I Fight On...


Thought For The Day: Isiah 33:1---"Woe to you who destroy, but you weren't destroyed; and who betray, but nobody betrayed you! When you have finished destroying, you will be destroyed; and when you have made an end of betrayal, you will be betrayed."