Aliveness In The Moment...Negative Energy

Weight: 228.6

Jiu-Jitsu is a harsh mistress...If you do not remain attentive during the time you are practicing the gentle art, the punishment comes swiftly...To have even a momentary lapse in judgment, assertiveness, or a tiny hesitation in the application of a movement brings you to the point where you are reacting rather than dictating your path...Once you react your are late; when you are late, you use strength; when you use strength, you tire; when you tire, you die!....Yesterday's training session with Marcus was one huge and long brain fart with many periods of being punished for inactivity, hesitation, and incorrect movement...Things I have been taught since my beginner stages, I completely forgot and just really was not there in the moment of training...Aliveness not only means being immersed in the moment and being able to feel rather than think through situations....It also means to see in advance, patterns and movements which will end up at best being a distraction, and at worst being true threats to your performance and well-being...I could not focus, and thus, the work I had planned in my head to attempt to work(securing my weight for passes, opening up my De La Riva game, negating the over under pass) all went by the wayside...It ended up being just an exercise in survival and catch up...that in and of itself is not a bad thing as bad situations must be practiced more than good ones to ensure the calmness of mind needed under adversity to turn a negative into a positive..That said, under the strain of mind and body I have had, seven 10 minute rounds (3min rest) with someone as proficient and assertive as Marcus can be challenging to say the least...anyway, I did do a few things well and realized my in-between and scramble games are very strong, as well as when I set my mind to use my leverage and motion in the passing game as well as attacking am I effective, but when I really needed to move in bad positions or to shut down things coming, I was not in the moment and either shut down or worse, made the diametrically opposite move to what should have been done...the end of this is that I am much more frustrated for having lost the training time on things I needed to work with him on specifically, that I am now jacked up so bad that I can't turn my neck sideways and my low back is locking every 30 min or so(these are result of me not being able to go to the doc to get these fixed prior to training, not to anything he did bad), and I worry that I am not able to control my mental state as I used to be able to do under fire...this in and of itself, against the elite at black belt is something as necessary as good technique and cardio to be successful but really just to be able to survive...I will attempt even hurting as I am, to train tonight to work these things as if I am to not make a complete fool of myself and lose quickly in the Pan Ams, I must work harder to eliminate my deficiencies...Jiu-Jitsu should allow a person to overcome deficiencies and be able to defeat those stronger and bigger than them...I need to get my mind right, and hopefully get the weakness in my hands/arms gone...then I can work through the other pains to be victorious in the battle to improve...I compete with my own inner self...I compete to do better than I did yesterday at a movement or position...Overcoming issues in mind and body, is something that must be done...No excuses...I am tired, and have miles to go before I sleep as the techniques I listed above must have a lot more sharpness (weeks worth at the very least) if they are to become what they must be to ensure my ability to just merely be competitive...I will sleep when I'm dead...

Events this week left me really questioning....not even questioning but truly hating the dreams I had of coaching...Amazing how jut a little hesitation, indecision, disingenuous manner can turn into a huge ball of bile making you really dislike things you loved....Even to question yourself...Honestly things I believed were part and parcel of Jiu-Jitsu, were shown to me to be nothing but idealistic folly in the minds of some...I thought nothing could take my joy that I got from training, competing, and teaching...I was mistaken...Whether I like it or not, i am true to what made me...the American values of I am entitled to do whatever I want and the customer is always right really should not apply in a lot of situations...Today people have no loyalty, no honor, and no respect for that which came before them and even made them...I have seen what I feel is the purity of Jiu-Jitsu...It is not always nice or pretty, nor does it always serve our own wants and desires but if followed, it will always serve our NEEDS!...I must be me and have to do things as I see them successful in other places and do what I feel will be for the best...Those who will be with me, will be...Those who will not, do not exist... I did not start to teach other than to get to a point I could train as I liked and give back something to people which has truly saved my life....I did not do it to be rich and thus I treat those who I deemed to be with me as family...Sadly, it seems, that just can;t be done with everyone.

My aim is to compete and prove my worth to myself as a black belt in jiu-jitsu in the vein of those I look up to and admire...My game is simply too underdeveloped and dirty for me to feel it is anything worthy of what I feel it should be...I think that is why my teaching isn't valued, and the achievements I have garnered do not weigh enough with sponsors to be able to support materially (other than BJJEdge, Jiu-Jitsuforums, and Athletic Body Care as they have done lots to help me to the best of their abilities and are really supportive of me and have been so) in amounts enough to make the tournaments I need to compete in to be in good championship rhythm a reality...By the way, than you very much to Caleb from TheFightworksPodcast.com for your donation bro! Has been the only one to date to do so through the site and it means a great deal that he did...I am blessed to have close friends and family who have helped and I thank God for them as well as a good job that I can pull from to make sacrifices and have the extra to ptake out of my pocket to go...Thing is, those I have mentioned all have personal interest in me...I want to work that my game is respected and admired by those I teach, those who have taught me, and those who are vendors, fans, and students of the sport...I have much to do to get to that point...I will work harder, I will sacrifice more, and the deficient, shoddy game I have now will improve...No matter what, I will be on the podium at Adult at age 40...I will fight on...


The Thought For The Day: The victory is in the pain. The fruit is in the labor. Delight in the work, as therein lies payment.

Take It Personal...

Weight: 227.2

To journey into the land of the elite adult black belts and walk away with hardware, I have much to work on and need to refocus myself...My training will be come more intense and channeled towards being able to do the things I know I can do in other areas of my game and rely on them enough that I have no hesitation in using them...Twice daily, six days per week will be the schedule for my rolling/drilling...and I will concentrate more on my basics when teaching class from here on out...The fact that I will be able to work with Marcus as well as go to the Alliance training camp will be a huge help in progressing...Honestly though things are conspiring to keep me from the Pans...If things continue as they are, I won't make it there to put into practice what I am working on. I don't know what I will do if that comes to pass...Breaking my streak at Sr. 1(won at Purple and Brown), already made me reticent to go, though I am excited to see how I fare against the sports premier athletes in the prime of their lives...But now the thought of not even making it there after what I have done and will do to myself to be able to just stand on par with those guys is disheartening...Perhaps though, if God is willing and I come up with the funds some way, and I can show people that a guy of 39 years old can place or win, then maybe some sponsors will see me differently and this won't be an issue as I plan to test myself at Adult at all but the International Masters & Seniors World championships every tournament until Mundials when I am 40 and I finally say enough of competing with the youngsters...

Only a week away from the anniversary of my 39th year upon this planet, things seem foreign to me. The Jiu-Jitsu I know and love abandoned me in need for the first time in a LONG time. There is more that occurred last night and today that take me aback a bit in reference to the gentle art but right now on to the main things as they pertain to me personally. March 6th was the date, and my match for the gold in my weight class was against Bruno Bastos, arguably a top 5 talent in the world at anything over heavy weight. In that match he was very familiar with my game and worked to shut it down before I even started...In the match he had hold of my sleeve and ripped a hole in a brand new Dax Moskito GI...This GI is like a piece of iron and he just ripped it with a mere grab...anyways what I am so upset by in this match is the fact that beyond the ref allowing him to disengage as he did not wish to deal with my guard, I straight up froze as I was not used to being shut down in my game so thoroughly...It was as people say, when God closes a door, He pens a window....There were open windows ALL OVER, and I did not see them b/c I kept staring at the door...You must not become so fixated upon one aspect of your game in any match as it may not be able to be worked...Though this has not happened to me in I don't know how long, I went to my comfort zone and because he took that away, I was dominated that whole match until at about 9min30sec He went for a knee bar...Problem is, I honestly feel like had I struggled a tad more I would have defended and been out...I hate that feeling..I have not had it since a Blue Belt....I will not have it again...I got to meet Bruno again in the semi-finals of the open after a win on points in my first and a win by knee bar in the second...This time, I was positionally dominated but I got to my comfort zone and truly disgusted myself once again b/c I NEVER pulled the trigger! My defense was very good, and I noticed improvement in that area as being disciplined for the entire 10min is a must...This, is something that I had been working on as rolling with students and even some competitors, I could get away with tiny mistakes...At the level I wish to climb to, I can make no tiny mistakes! The only good I take away is my mental focus in the other matches and that my cardio was not shot, though it must be a great deal better...That said, now that I know I can work things to my advantage, I must pull the trigger efficiently, and expeditiously.

I must reinvent myself as a coach as well. I travel and see the respect and admiration other students have for their instructors and their instructors' lineage/team origins and I am envious...It seems as if my teaching and leadership skills are sorely lacking. Since I have been a Purple belt I have been teaching classes...Really since Blue I was assisting...Since then, through all the people I have assisted in class and the accomplishments I have done on my own, a grand total of three people sought me out from then until now to gain some insight though private classes...Part of this is because I believe it is right to give your all to the beginners as charging them for privates may not necessarily help them when their fundamental movements haven't been developed...that said, it's disheartening to know that whatever I may be seen as, it is definitely not seen as desirable to learn from me in that light...I have put everything I have into teaching at my school, and believe that if I can firmly implant a foundation of good fundamental movement, good command of the basic principles of the core Jiu-Jitsu techniques, and a knowledge of how the body works in concordance with what the aims of a technique are, that people will be much better off and excel...I hoped to give students even 1/4 of what I gained from Jiu-Jitsu...In as much, I returned every day from class happy as I could be, in the thought that I was respected enough to have them trust that I was leading them in the manner they should be...It really feels bad when you have not what you longed for and saw...How can I miss what I never had? I am always asked, how is your school doing? I am not one to lie so I say its small but I am happy...I am not a good businessman nor am I good at marketing so I am certain all that could be done to grow my school as a viable business is not occurring...I felt that the Jiu-Jitsu would win out. I felt that my passion for what I do, and the love I felt for my team would show through and make it successful in the long run by building a team/family atmosphere...I was reminded though that tings aren't personal...Everyone doesn't want to be part of a team etc...I guess the thing is, I must take someone's advice and be more professional. That is what I never wished to be...I feel it's wrong, but the more I travel, the more I keep meeting resistance in the form of folks wanting to do things their way...I progressed so fast because I trusted in my leadership to the point whatever they told me, I did, trusting that it would work out...And it always did. I have tired to be the person that whatever I sold, would be abel to be backed up...It is appreciated by some but most don't. I have to face that I am not the type of coach/insturctor that students look up to in that light...I am always questioned and it seems I am the one who ends up making the concession as the customer is always right...Right? Well, If I am not who I wish to be, I can only be me. I will train hard, I will teach what I know the way I know it should be taught. I will hold my standards up where I see them necessary to be. Those who choose to follow that, will get where they wish, in the manner they should...Those who don't will merely get techniques, and reach whatever height they will by their hand with some assistance from me...Sad to see it this way because I know for any other instructor, this would not be the case...But, I have work to do to gain more insight on more effectively teaching the techniques without having to place so much of my self into it....

There is a lot more to this but honestly, the sting of it makes me not wish to put it down...For those who don't know, there is a lot of detail I keep to myself to be more guarded...I write these to keep in mind what I went through and what I have overcome, that one day my child or students can look and see that if someone as lowly as myself made it, that they could as well...Forgive me for that...

I need to work more on my standing pass, and work more on differing attacks and sweeps from guard. as well as better aggression standing...I will work more on being me in my game, in my teaching, and in my life, and being happy with whoever that is...So, in that regard...I Fight On...


Thought For The Day: Isiah 33:1---"Woe to you who destroy, but you weren't destroyed; and who betray, but nobody betrayed you! When you have finished destroying, you will be destroyed; and when you have made an end of betrayal, you will be betrayed."

Today, Nobody Cares...But Tomorrow They Will...They WILL!

Weight: 224.8

Training is draining....(Hey I made a rhyme!:))...but it is in a good way that it drains me...that said, a new hole has opened up in my guard game that it took the passing game of Marcus to detect...Defending the knee through pass, I am having a brain freeze it seems and rotating my hips the wrong way to defend and thus at times giving the pass easily...this is being worked on, but in the state I am in currently as for health and mental focus(or lack thereof), it seems not to be getting solved quickly or efficiently enough...I have a few new goals to shoot for...Not only to medal at this year's Pan and Mundial tournaments at Adult, in addition to defending my title at the Master&Seniors World championships, but to repeat in being a medalist at Adult in Pan and the World Championships next year when I turn 40(Turning 39 in a little more than 2 weeks from today). Even at the prime of one's life and Jiu-Jitsu career, this is something that only a tiny percentage of people ever achieve...In my declining state of physical being, coupled with the inability to focus solely on training, will be made exponentially more difficult...On top of this all, the sponsorship I do have covers registrations for tournaments, but nothing else...Which means any trips say to Brazil, California, etc for these championships comes out of my pocket....My extremely midget-short pockets...So anyways, Jesus bore his cross without lamentation....I have to just suck it up; as my time to be even close to being able to be even remotely competitive is drawing to a close...Whatever must be done to carry through until then, I will do...

Anyways, on to training...preparing for a tournament in the gym is necessary, but to truly get ready for what you will need to do to be victorious in battle is to actually contest matches when and where it counts...That being said, I will be preparing myself for Pans and Mundials at the Adult level starting this coming weekend in Houston...In addition to being able to see my students perform, I will also be making my debut as a referee in the IBJJF as well as competing with the caliber of competitor I will have to face and defeat in order to achieve the goals I have set...With a monster like Bruno Bastos in my division, my task is definitely not easy, also, as I will put my name in the hat for the Absolute division, with such names as Bill Cooper, Raphael Lovato, Jr., Rodrigo Pinheiro, Marcelo Azevedo, Gustavo Pires, Brad Court, etc etc etc, I should get a true and accurate gauge of where my training has placed me as well as what is needed to work more on...My takedown game has become much more solid, as has my pass game, which I am certain will be tested as most competitors I face look to pull guard as they wish to negate my strength of playing guard...I do hope that I get to work stand up to truly see where I am though as I am going to open my game up much more than usual...A lot of the half and open guard sweeps I use in practice, I think need to be tested at the highest level now...The holes in my game should be more evident after this weekend as they have become in my work and training with Marcus...That has yielded so many results as it is comfortable to feel the need to work hard every second,and to truly be able to learn from the little losses in battles as well as know when certain thins work, that they are ready for prime time as if they can work with him, I do not see many out there who they would not work against...

Physically, my lower back is locking up again...The muscles there, in my hips and in my mid-back are in a constant state of flexion, and I am in pain pretty much all the time...My shoulders, especially the left one, have something blocking or grating on my nerves so that my forearms and hands are affected a LOT!...That said, I do have that familiar, good-sore feeling after training again...I relish that feeling, and just knwo that if I can make it through the way I feel health-wise, and deal with the money/emotional/interpersonal problems of every day and still get to where I wish to be, then I can be truly proud of achievements gained....In that vein....I Fight On....


Thought For The Day: Ephesians 6:13 - Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.