I knew I should not have stayed for practice when I walked in. I could feel that feeling I've been describing back rearing it's head again. There was no joy in being on the mat. BJJ has been the only thing I've pursued that actually gave me joy in as long as I can remember. It sucked. I came in because I figured, it would wipe away all the stress and bullshit I'd gone through in the day and days previous as usual, but was wrong. I milled around and didn't even get on in to practice until after warm ups. Anyways, we went over a couple of guard passes. One of which was the S-Pass. I like that one but I need more work to make it automatic. Not being able to clear my mind I was just making tiny mistakes. Frustrating to be able to answer some of the other students' questions but not be able to get it right myself. Well not to my standards at least...We also worked an inside trip which JJ taught and that felt pretty natural to me...He taught it well as I was able to follow it and hopefully I will be able to drill it enough to put into my toolbox soon. Went to rolling and felt good through the first couple of rolls...Ended up in the third or fourth one (don't remember which) but got a couple triangles, and didn't finish them, and worked my escapes by nearly allowing the pass and then scrambling to recover, but I was not dictating the action and ended up getting caught in a Heel hook while working for something I've never worked enough before to be trying in rolling. SNAFU. Right on time, and in time for the upcoming tournament, as if my hand and head weren't enough, though I didn't feel it then, my knee is throbbing now! Though I didn't expect it to be grabbed and cranked, I know it wasn't done maliciously, but I should have not left it there. Anyways, that is just like normal...Can't have a tournament where I feel good physically and mentally. Always seem to have somethign happen in both realmsbeofre I prepare for something. Just hoping that if I still go, I can muddle through. Hate NO-GI, and the way I've been feeling, not really worrying much about it or my performance in it. Kinda feels weird but I don't care much...Had my stuttering come back tonight as well. Don't know if it was the hit on the head or all the things going on with me, but it's really annoying and hasn't happened in a long time, and worrisome. Anyways, after that, riding home, I honestly heard a voice tell me to quit. Maybe it's my time. I don't know, but people and things have combined along with my own actions to take away the joy I had in the art. I am praying this is temporary. Praying hard about it so that I don't listen to that voice. For now... I fight on...
Thought For the Day:
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.